Don't let it take you, Choose how you will live.

At the start of Color Run 2016

             Little Girl, looking for love, seeking it in all the wrong places... She struggled to love herself. She made so many mistakes, the biggest one was forgetting to love herself before she tried to love others. She starts to cut to numb the pain. To numb the hurt of the world away. She turned 24 then she promised herself she wouldn’t ever cut again.

She met a prince or so it seemed, the one to love the pain away. She was so excited; she did not see the evil lurking underneath. She had 2 little boys, she loved with her whole heart. She renewed that old promise. She would never be a mom that cuts. Darkness seethes and coils around the once bright spark. Cruelty destroys hope

By 28, she has a family only this world wasn’t what she thought it would be. One night, when she was so sad and hopeless from all the pain he brings on her. The Dark prince took her hand and put in it, a knife. He said, if you’re so sad then just end it tonight. She held the knife in her hand and cried fresh tears from old wounds. How could her Prince tell her to kill herself? Was she so unworthy? She wavered thinking old thoughts of dark and gloom, wondering if she would really be missed until those little faces swam before her mind. She remembered her promise, she put the knife down. She would never be a mom that cuts. She would never leave them to face the world alone.

So I wanted to touch base on a different view today because I don’t want people to misunderstand. I’m not naturally that bubbly, happy-go-lucky person. I’m a Scorpio female who likes to brood, etc. I wasn’t a cheerleader in high school. I experienced trauma I wouldn’t wish on anyone but I came out a better person on the other side. I changed into the optimistic, happy-go-lucky person I am today.

This process is complicated!

So firstly, as I’m sure you noticed with my short story. I know exactly what the bleak/dark abyss of depression feels like. One of my favorite rap artists right now, courtesy of my counselor, is NF. His song Paralyzed; pretty much encompasses a lot of the hurt and numb feelings I felt for a long, long time. Another song that resonates with me is Smile Empty Souls "With this Knife".
There is so much that happened to me emotionally that once I had gone through this. I was never going to be the same. I was dissociated. The only way I really survived all of that was through compartmentalizing myself and severing my emotions.

I’ve touched on this before but I want to connect to you on a deeper level. I have walked a dark path for many years. I circled the black abyss of denying self-love and depression for years. For the rest of you man...if you’ve never walked that path then I’m happy for you, it’s not fun. For those of you that know what I’m talking about; that bleak emptiness you face inside yourself and you make the decisions to keep carrying on and pushing even though you don’t see an end. That path…. that crawl is hard. Don’t Give Up!!!

I have made that journey and dragged myself through the stickiest, most disgusting emotional and psychological sludge to get to where I am today. I’m very surprised, pleasantly so to find myself on the other side of it now. 2 years ago, I was so jaded and angry that the only thing I felt was guilt, hate, and sadness, the last thing on my mind was trusting anyone let alone dating. It’s nice to know I’m not that person anymore.

The last little bit of me that my ex-husband hadn’t, completely broken, I buried deep, deep, deep down. After living years burying that last bit of my pride and self-love, I had forgotten how to find it once I didn’t need to bury it anymore. Honestly, the only time I felt emotion that last 2 and half years of my marriage was for my kids, my brother, my family. The rest of the time, I was paralyzed. I was numb. I was disgusted with myself, I hated myself and my ex-husband, I loathed his touch and yet I couldn’t see the answer staring me in the face yet, Leave. The kind and pretty words he would use during the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse*, I learned to associate with impending pain. I walked on eggshells every day for years. I worked 40 to 60 hour weeks though so I had to deal with people. I had to blend in to normal society.

Once it was all over and done, so many people who knew me were amazed to find out that I had filed a restraining order, that I had stayed in safe housing to get away and that I have lived years on end in physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, psychological harassment and abuse. Not one moment when I was around him did he ever truly leave me alone. The constant toxic blather of abuse streaming out of his mouth eventually wore me down to the point I had started to believe what he said about me because after you hear something non-stop...every day…for months straight……even the best of us breakdown.

How did outsiders not see it? Well, I’m sure some did. I remember; I had to think to myself “oh right, smile they told a joke.” I had to remind myself the correct facial expressions for normal human contact. I got really good at it though and you know why? It’s a weird phenomenon that after being around a narcissist/sociopath and having him controlling every aspect of my life. I had learned how to dissociate and feel apathetic towards the world. I had become a good liar because; hey, I had been lying to myself about my abuse for a while so it was easy to lie to the world about what was happening. It wasn’t healthy. I walked around my world dead inside to everything, not all of the time but most of the time.

If you had come to me last year and said; “Rachel! You can’t be numb!” I would’ve replied “No you’re wrong. Numb I can function; Numb I can handle. I can make this work!”

But I couldn’t stay numb...

In the beginning of freedom, I recognized that how I felt wasn’t normal and I half-heartedly tried to find a counselor but I never found one. I had found one for my oldest son because I knew he needed to heal. One of the last nights; I found my ex-husband half choking, half shaking him. He was 3 ½ years old. I knew I needed a pro to help him and dang, I found a great one. J This same counselor asked me one day how it was going, I broke down and told him how I couldn’t find anyone with experience in my kind of trauma, I didn’t want to be a guinea pig. He told me to come see him, to talk to him and it was perfect because he knew how to help families and everything I told him would help him understand and get through to my son about his trauma.

I’ll never call it easy, I’ll tell you the journey and the positive end result is worth it. I know there is a stigma about counseling. I had it myself but without our counselor. My son and I wouldn’t be this far into healing as we are now.

I went through homework assignment after homework assignment, week after week. It took pretty much a whole year and half of dedication. There were days I walked into his office and said “man, this sucks. I did your homework but I hated it!” ---But I still did it! That’s the difference between a good experience in counseling and a bad one. I was determined to find those feelings and un-paralyze myself. No matter how hard it was, he helped me remind myself: “Eventually I’ll get to the top of this mountain and it will be a great view. I’m going to keep at this, I can do this!” There were still mistakes along the climb, seriously…I made plenty but look at where I am now. I’m finally on the other side. He had me paint a ceramic that represented my marriage (this should’ve only taken me 2 months and I dragged it out to 6 >_<) After it was done, I smashed that thing to powder. Seriously, if one piece was as big as my pinky nail, I took up the hammer again. J If you’re expecting the end of that stage to be like a movie, it’s not. Life isn’t like a movie. I did feel empowered and victorious but it wasn’t this “light shining down on you Sword in the Stone type moment” that I had imagined. It was a calm acceptance; I accepted the past for what it was and that it would never change. I have grown and I have continued healing, I will continue to make the choice to heal every day. The best analogy I have is;

I was bleeding inside, all of those emotional wounds were oozing, grotesque holes that I constantly had to staple, clean and bandage. Finally, after all of this time cleaning those wounds, they’re finally scarring.

It’s still a work in progress, healing always is. It’s still easy for me to feel that old numb feeling and every day I tell myself that I will do better than I did yesterday. I will work to let myself feel. The hard part is that once you have broken down that hard shell, you still have to use boundaries. People need to earn trust and respect. They should never be given freely, those are precious and words alone are not enough to earn them. Actions speak volumes! I’m so much farther down the road then I ever imagined I would be. I will always be working to master this. 2 weeks ago, I received my admissions letter from a nursing program for my Bachelor of Science in Nursing and we just passed my 2-year anniversary of freedom, yes I did several happy dances. J I still have a life to live and journey to experience. You can heal yourself from emotional paralysis, don’t ever give up. If I hadn’t had my counselor, I would’ve never been this far into healing. I can’t image doing it alone, you need that guidance and outsider perspective. Bring your A game and do the work. The mountain is worth the climb, now start climbing to the top.

Now I can look back with clarity, patience, understanding and responsibility. Now, I am at peace and that is worth its weight in gold.

   Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline

Support, resources and advice for your safety

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

·         http://www.domesticviolence.org

Eureka!

You’ll never guess.. I do believe I did it!

 It has taken me years and honestly going through this whole healing process...I finally found myself and the love for myself I should’ve had from the beginning. So a brief glimpse into my past. When I was younger, my parents traveled a lot and then they land blasted us in Weiser freaking Idaho. Needless to say my rose covered glasses view of the world evaporated and I saw just how dark and mean the world can get in an instant. I had never dealt with the “small town” mindset until I moved to Idaho.. Little did I know just how throughout my lesson would be. I’ve got nothing against small towns but that narrow mean, perspective some people have is just downright unhealthy bordering on toxic. Really, that was hard for me, it was right at puberty so a small girl, not even 11. I was bullied, belittled, emotional and psychologically tortured for about 4 years before we moved to Utah. I struggled with that for a long time. I was forever obsessed with fitting that cosmopolitan image mindset, keeping my weight down no matter what. Seriously, lots and lots of diet pills, juice fasts for 3 to 4 weeks, etc.

            Anyway!

I came to the realization and to put this in perspective I will reference the “Big Bang Theory” here. I never realized I was a “penny”. I was that nerdy chick in high-school; hacky sac at midnight talking about games or the lasertag match we just finished. I loved my hoodies, my skater shoes, my buckle jeans, my platforms because I hadn’t accepted 5’2” was really just fun size yet, I liked what I wore and it was random. I never realized that all of my nerdy friends, the D&D nights, lasertag, LAN nights, and all of those good times with friends that I, thankfully, still have today. It was okay that I wasn’t that double zero.. I was still beautiful, loyal, caring and accepting.  I never saw myself from the outside. It took a marriage from the “Black Sarlacc Pit” for me to wake up. Yes! She did just reference Star Wars because 100 years of slow digestion is the best metaphor I can make for my marriage. :)

           

That time in the Sarlacc’s digestive system doesn’t matter now. So many of us bind ourselves with these rules and regulations on what we should be/act/look that we never give ourselves enough slack. Other people can be awful, yes that’s true, but by far I know I was the worse to myself. No one could even compete with how cruel I was to myself. A couple months ago, I was working through something and I was struggling. I told my counselor; “It hurt to hear some of my favorite songs such as Red Jumpsuits Apparatus: My Guardian Angel and I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz! I don’t want to listen to them because they remind me of the pain.” Then he said “Why Rachel? Why should they hurt?” He gave me a new way to look at them and it quickly caught a slow fire inside me. He put on My Guardian Angel and we listened to it. Then for the 2^nd time we listened to it, he told me to listen to this song from another perspective; the perspective of who I am now, the strong, independent healing woman singing to the hurt, bleeding woman/girl I use to be.

           

Honestly, it was the beginning of this huge enlightenment. I tried it and he was right. The perspective shifts a bit depending on the song. All of a sudden I realized yes, I can take this a different way and change how I react once again. Now when I hear a song I enjoy, I shift my perspective and it bolsters my hope and positive attitude. I’m not that angry bleeding person from last year anymore. I love and accept who I am and what I’m about. The excess weight I want to lose; that will go now that I have a good nutrition and exercise lifestyle. I am active and I finally let all those horrid rules drop away. I just want to be healthy. Now, I’m so much happier. I know who I am. I have come through some horrid experiences I wouldn’t wish on anyone but you know what? On the other side of it all, I’m a better person. I’m pretty damn cool. So what that I have some extra pounds, those will go but what you can’t just earn overnight is the personality and the mindset that I’ve grown. It’s so freeing, listening to my favorite songs and find them inspirational rather than getting sad. I don’t get sad anymore. I look at everyday as something else, something new, something positive and no matter what. As long as I hold in my heart; “that you know what, today was okay. I did the best I could but I will treat tomorrow better”. My sister gave me a great quote;

            

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday. “

            John Wayne

Changes...

Wow...it’s so hard sometimes. Change is a part of who we are. Change is evolution, it's growth and experience but damn it's hard. In my marriage change usually meant some version of pain was coming. It's been a long road to walk, learning that change isn't something to be abhorred. It's necessary, we can't stay stagnant. Stagnation is like sinking lower and lower in a single pit, never climbing/stepping out of a simple pot hole that erodes over time. No, we can't stay stagnant. Sometimes all you can do is just breathe, push all the fears and negative emotions to the side and just breathe. I had to do that this morning. It's very hard for me to resist change. Life is about moving forward but it’s okay to be sad, you just can't stay there. Life is about the good and the bad. The pleasures and the pain. You can't appreciate one without the other. I admit, I'm sad. My son is losing a staff that has been with us for 2 years. She was the first person I ever trusted with him after I left my marriage. She's been a part of this journey, she's been so much more than his HI, she's been my friend, an example of the type of person I hope to be in a few years. I will always remember what we learned and went through together. She was right there with me when my son started showing signs of physical and sexual trauma from my ex. She's helped him learn and grow and progress such much in just 2 years it's staggering. We will miss her. 

Experiments

So today is a catch up because quite a few things piled up and I haven’t written lately. Stress! Holy Cow, we’re all stressed out which is in turn shortening our tetramers aging us and causing more unseen damage but that’s a piece for another time.

Sometimes it feels like I’m in a hurricane, stubbornly walking into it; my school schedule, the boys different school schedules, school meetings, speech and occupational therapies, counseling, and now we get to add medical appointments thanks to my car apparently being “hard to see”. The summer just flew by and fall semester hit me between the eyes.

Honestly though, a 92’ white Ford Taurus is hard to see?

So I hope you had a good summer and I for one am ready for fall. Now let’s talk about the experiment I had over the summer. It was “introspective homework” experiment to weigh and measure where I am emotionally, psychologically, etc. In other words, dating, (que Bethoven’s 5th Symphony notes)

I have to say it’s a time investment. That’s the most neutral observation I’m walking away with. I took an experimental month and I put myself out there to see what the singles world is like now…Ewwww…iiick…ouch…those words fly to the tip of my tongue on this one.

The most important skill I utilized was “critical thinking” and analyzing, seeing past the smile or pretty words to see the person underneath for who they were and not what they wanted to show. I mean, I blocked at least 50 men in the first 3 days because good lord the standards have dropped for men and women alike though I’m going off the reports I’ve had from friends for the females out there. It’s very sad..

I had to filter out the endless amounts of plain ridiculous, disgusting, and egocentric men to look for the qualities I wanted. Earlier this year, I wrote out an actual list which is still on my closet door of the 50 positive personalities traits I want in a man right next to the list of Red Flag behaviors that you can spot in others which will save you from dealing with quite so many douchebags.

Despite the obstacles this was good for me. It helped me see where I am now and how far I have come. Two years ago, after I came out of the marriage from the black beyond, I was cynical, jaded, angry and I had still yet to truly work on my self-worth and respect. I am proud of the progress I have made. So many people build up the idea that they must be with someone to be happy, they can’t even conceive the notion of not always being in a relationship.

If I learned nothing else in my marriage I learned this, two halves DO NOT make a whole in relationships. That’s the bottom line. The door swings both ways on the concept that you must respect yourself before others will respect you. We don’t live in a world where that’s not the case. It’s hard to take the microscope on yourself to improve and revamp what you want to be but it is worth the effort you put in.

If you compared the past “dating” (highly generous term when applied to that time) I did after my divorce compared to now you wouldn’t believe the difference. I wanted to feel good, feel pretty, blah blah but I hadn’t done the work yet. Now, I feel the change through the hard work of counseling and working on myself. I know what I will and won’t have in life and I have every right to demand it. There’s no use trying to fit someone in a spot that they don’t match. So often, we want to make a relationship work that just never will. No matter how many times you whip the horse, if he’s tired, you’re not going anyway.

Now going through this process, I actually did find someone that was a good person. We dated for about 3 and half months but it turns out we are in different places in life though I’m actually very happy to  know I can open up emotionally and psychologically which are huge for me. My jaded, sarcastic and cynical cuteness is my security blanket. I don’t want to give them up without a fight but we must seek balance. The best way I can describe how it feels to strip my barriers down is like having one of those rubber band balls and attempting to pull 50 off at once. It’s possible but they snap back into place very quickly. All of the hard work over the last year and half have been stripping those old and frayed ones off to reveal a strong and capable person underneath the layers.

The biggest lesson I learned from all of this is boundaries. Boundaries are important because you need them for yourself and others. It's unhealthy to jump into the physical or emotional deep end of the pool without really seeing that person in the shallow end and working your way out. Do you need to hide who you are? No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that the only way you’ll see a good person of substance is through a gradual process of getting to know them. This “Netflix and chill” thing going around creates a false sense of intimacy, you’re playing house with this person. Do you really get to know them that way? No, you see so much more by social and public interactions. How do they treat people around them? The more time you spend with a person out in “spotlights” the more you will come to see true aspects of their personality. People hide who they are, we all do but without boundaries I married a narcissist and spent 5 years in hell. Is that a risk you want to take? I’m good, been there, done that and now I want something real, good and whole or nothing at all.

You can do this

I know it hurts, everyday does. When you stop and think long enough to feel.. it feels like there's spider fractures everywhere. It's like a giant spiderweb of cysts hardening into one giant scar in your chest, your core. It's okay, this will end one day. The scar will harden and then you won't bleed anymore. We'll always miss and lament what we lost but we can build on who we are. We can go and see the world with the boys. We'll get that red tailed boa, we'll name him Ringo. The emptiness will get shoved aside with other parts of our life. No matter what keep going, we need this. Don't give up. You're stronger then that, you helped others get where they needed to be. You have the boys to guard and love. Live life, enjoy every sensation, every heart ache and joy. Laugh at what life does and what happens. Love yourself and your children. You grew them, they are you. They have your in their faces and their mitochondria. Don't think that they are ever the problem, the world is. They just need you to show them how to step on the toadstools of life as they go.

Identity

So I listened to Hoziers' Cherry Wine the other day and it made me stop and ponder. It reminded me of my marriage. The song is from a male victims point of view but that makes little difference because at the core of the song it's the same message. How we lose our identity over time.
What is identity? It's what defines you as you. What you like, don't like, your dreams and aspirations, your self respect, self esteem, self awareness. They all make up your individual identity.
How do abusers take that away? They take measured and deliberate steps to program you, no this isn't a conspiracy statement, it is simply fact. Abusers work very hard to destabilize your perception of the world so that they can turn you into exactly what they want; a subservient slave with no real mind of their own.
They all follow the same pattern though they are different people. They make the choice to abuse you and strip you of your identity. They were not born this way, they chose this. The story of an abusive childhood may have been true but the choice that was made was voluntary. If you want to truly change....you work at it everyday of your life.  We choose to be who we are everyday, pleasant and positive or a self centered void of a person. I had to choose like so many before me and it was not easy...there were times I wanted to rage and curse the world. I was angry and rightly so but life is not a movie. We do not get the “closure” we see in movies...real life is very different.
What happens as a result, we take a step towards a future that never was natural path for us. The resilient, we survive that future, we accept out responsibility for the choice we made and we push forward. This is a hard path with many curves and bends in a once “straight” road. There is no easy path in life, only an easy assurance that life is what it is and you choose everyday how to address that. Empower yourself by being the type of person you want to be, not what “life has dealt you” it is easy to blame, not to change pun intended. :)

Smile like you mean it

Hi there, I hope you had a good weekend. Valentines means different things to different people. I can make many jokes but that’s what facebook shares are for. I’m here tonight to talk to you about a quote I read last week.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”

― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

What does this mean? In my opinion it means life is about living. That can apply to you no matter the scenario. Most days, I have to remind myself to make the conscious decision that I will live today. It is easy to get caught up in life, caught up in the injustice, caught up in the drama. (Insert Van Wilder quote: It’s like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but you never actually go anywhere.)

If I’ve learned anything in the last 6 years it is that life can pass you by and that fateful day when I woke up I asked myself, “Where did the time go?” The answer is, well life kept going. There is a peaceful assurance in that; the universe keeps on being, plants continue to grow and that breathe of life is still there waiting for you. I woke up in October of 2014 from an abusive relationship and I made a choice that seemed to boggle some but it made perfect sense. What do I do now? I will live! I suppose I could’ve dove into a bottle but that’s not living, that’s escaping. I had two little boys to think of. We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family then I jumped feet first into a new life. I found help for myself and my boys. I hit the ground running and I'm still running after what I want from life.

And it’s true life isn’t meant to live alone. If you’re like me you need your recharge/zen time to center yourself but life is about interactions. We are a social species. I fought my basic instincts when I let myself be isolated away from family and friends. Without those relationships life can feel like you’re at sea: hectic, distracting, beautiful, powerful, free ,chaotic, energetic but it can also swallow you up nearly drown you and slap you against a submerged rock. Support is important, without my supports I wouldn’t be nearly so far down the road to healing as I am. Let’s face it, it’s much more fun to hit the Deadpool premiere with friends that it is alone though Deadpool was awesome in any case. :)

It’s not easy, I’m not telling you it is. I’ve had many struggles in the last year and a half but here’s a little secret: No matter what the problem is/ the day is like, it is always better than the life I had before. You know the best part? It’s that I can make tomorrow even better then today was. Can I change the world? That’s a big negative but I can choose how I react to the world. There’s an empowerment in that decision and it makes all the difference to my perception and attitude.  Look inward and outward, take back the control of your life. You’re only having a bad day and crabby because you choose to, not because the boys tried to dive off the the couch and the wailing mass of limbs are now kicking each other, after all they found by experiment that gravity and acceleration laws are real. I have tons of these examples..seriously...

My sister is a great example of this point: My youngest niece is under 2 and full of energy and righteous indignant fury when riled. My sister was at the store with her mid tantrum and my sister was laughing instead of the normal reaction of frustration most parents have at that point. The store clerk gave my niece a balloon all the while surprised by my sisters reaction.

You can’t control everything in your life, no one can, but you can control how you react, how you handle the situation. Laugh at absurdity, laugh at life and smile like you mean it. Don’t give life or others power over you and your emotions, take back the power! It’s a great feeling, try it for a week and see for yourself!   :)

Life gets crazy sometimes...

How did I get here?
My voice rings loud in my head.
Did I not see the evil?

Hi there! My name is Rachel and I'm a survivor of domestic violence.

Mahatma Ghandi once said: "Start changing yourself if you want to change the life around you."

Man, that's intense for some people and I get that but the truth is; abuse is so common these days the ones who haven't been touched by it are the minority.

Now for introductions :)

I'm a single mom of 2 traumatized toddlers. My oldest is 5 and my youngest is 3. I just turned 30 *gasp* and I'm in school to get my nursing degree *crosses fingers for acceptance into program*. I'm a CNA/Med Tech. I've traveled the US when I was younger before settling mostly in Utah during my high-school years. (Youth really is wasted on the young, it's probably a good thing I can't redo my high school years though)
I grew up a tomboy, there were times when I was out shooting bb guns and gaming it up then there were times when my older sister pinned me down to pluck eyebrows etc. As time progressed I started to balance fashion with my tomboy traits. I don't claim a label nowadays besides scorpio. I like what I like though I'm guilty of a love affair with shoes and heels but I'm short so that just makes sense.
I'm not going for an autobiography right now so we'll just skip ahead.

I'm not a psychiatrist or a social worker but I am an expert in domestic violence. I'm a woman who was in an abusive relationship. For 6 years I didn't change until I realized that it was necessary to survive and be there for my boys. 6 years is a long time for some and for me, it was an eternity. By the end I had lost touch with what normal was. Nowadays, I joke and call it my idiot coma because I was so isolated from everything that coming out of that and getting my life back was a reawakening, a rebirth.

As I've started the healing process back in 2015 I went back to school and I ended up in a communications class where you guessed it, I had to write a speech. I started researching the data because I realized that I wanted to start speaking out and breaking the silence not just in one class but whenever I could because it's bad folks: 1 in 4 women have been in abusive relationship and 1 in 7 men in their lifetime. That gets to be a large number once a year rolls by; 12 million adults. In one year, 10 million children have witnessed abuse or been abused.
As I've worked through this process it was hard for me to forgive myself for staying for 6 years but I've met some women that were in their nightmare for 15-20 years.
 I have a new outlook on life. I am so grateful that I left when I did. I am so fortunate to be alive. I have my boys and I have my family. I am reborn from the emotional, sexual, physical, financial, and spiritual abuse I experienced. The According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, victims to go back to their abuser is 16 to 20 times, this is 85% of victims folks. Thankfully, I'm part of the 15% that never went back. Life is worth every trial and difficulty because when you set goals, you have direction, you have strength.
Now here comes the challenge: look around you and change something you don't like in your life, whether its the procrastination of loading the dishwasher or putting your shoes away when you just want to jump in your pajamas.
Changing yours situation and yourself is challenging. I'm speaking right now because of all of you. I promise that you know someone that is currently or was abused. I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I'm still breaking the silence today, it's my way of helping others and it's my request of you. Abuse thrives only in silence, shine a light on it, monsters are only scary in the dark.


Repeat after me: "I am strong!" Repeat this sentence to yourself as often as you can, no you're not silly.