Eureka!

You’ll never guess.. I do believe I did it!

 It has taken me years and honestly going through this whole healing process...I finally found myself and the love for myself I should’ve had from the beginning. So a brief glimpse into my past. When I was younger, my parents traveled a lot and then they land blasted us in Weiser freaking Idaho. Needless to say my rose covered glasses view of the world evaporated and I saw just how dark and mean the world can get in an instant. I had never dealt with the “small town” mindset until I moved to Idaho.. Little did I know just how throughout my lesson would be. I’ve got nothing against small towns but that narrow mean, perspective some people have is just downright unhealthy bordering on toxic. Really, that was hard for me, it was right at puberty so a small girl, not even 11. I was bullied, belittled, emotional and psychologically tortured for about 4 years before we moved to Utah. I struggled with that for a long time. I was forever obsessed with fitting that cosmopolitan image mindset, keeping my weight down no matter what. Seriously, lots and lots of diet pills, juice fasts for 3 to 4 weeks, etc.

            Anyway!

I came to the realization and to put this in perspective I will reference the “Big Bang Theory” here. I never realized I was a “penny”. I was that nerdy chick in high-school; hacky sac at midnight talking about games or the lasertag match we just finished. I loved my hoodies, my skater shoes, my buckle jeans, my platforms because I hadn’t accepted 5’2” was really just fun size yet, I liked what I wore and it was random. I never realized that all of my nerdy friends, the D&D nights, lasertag, LAN nights, and all of those good times with friends that I, thankfully, still have today. It was okay that I wasn’t that double zero.. I was still beautiful, loyal, caring and accepting.  I never saw myself from the outside. It took a marriage from the “Black Sarlacc Pit” for me to wake up. Yes! She did just reference Star Wars because 100 years of slow digestion is the best metaphor I can make for my marriage. :)

           

That time in the Sarlacc’s digestive system doesn’t matter now. So many of us bind ourselves with these rules and regulations on what we should be/act/look that we never give ourselves enough slack. Other people can be awful, yes that’s true, but by far I know I was the worse to myself. No one could even compete with how cruel I was to myself. A couple months ago, I was working through something and I was struggling. I told my counselor; “It hurt to hear some of my favorite songs such as Red Jumpsuits Apparatus: My Guardian Angel and I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz! I don’t want to listen to them because they remind me of the pain.” Then he said “Why Rachel? Why should they hurt?” He gave me a new way to look at them and it quickly caught a slow fire inside me. He put on My Guardian Angel and we listened to it. Then for the 2^nd time we listened to it, he told me to listen to this song from another perspective; the perspective of who I am now, the strong, independent healing woman singing to the hurt, bleeding woman/girl I use to be.

           

Honestly, it was the beginning of this huge enlightenment. I tried it and he was right. The perspective shifts a bit depending on the song. All of a sudden I realized yes, I can take this a different way and change how I react once again. Now when I hear a song I enjoy, I shift my perspective and it bolsters my hope and positive attitude. I’m not that angry bleeding person from last year anymore. I love and accept who I am and what I’m about. The excess weight I want to lose; that will go now that I have a good nutrition and exercise lifestyle. I am active and I finally let all those horrid rules drop away. I just want to be healthy. Now, I’m so much happier. I know who I am. I have come through some horrid experiences I wouldn’t wish on anyone but you know what? On the other side of it all, I’m a better person. I’m pretty damn cool. So what that I have some extra pounds, those will go but what you can’t just earn overnight is the personality and the mindset that I’ve grown. It’s so freeing, listening to my favorite songs and find them inspirational rather than getting sad. I don’t get sad anymore. I look at everyday as something else, something new, something positive and no matter what. As long as I hold in my heart; “that you know what, today was okay. I did the best I could but I will treat tomorrow better”. My sister gave me a great quote;

            

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday. “

            John Wayne