Don't let it take you, Choose how you will live.

At the start of Color Run 2016

             Little Girl, looking for love, seeking it in all the wrong places... She struggled to love herself. She made so many mistakes, the biggest one was forgetting to love herself before she tried to love others. She starts to cut to numb the pain. To numb the hurt of the world away. She turned 24 then she promised herself she wouldn’t ever cut again.

She met a prince or so it seemed, the one to love the pain away. She was so excited; she did not see the evil lurking underneath. She had 2 little boys, she loved with her whole heart. She renewed that old promise. She would never be a mom that cuts. Darkness seethes and coils around the once bright spark. Cruelty destroys hope

By 28, she has a family only this world wasn’t what she thought it would be. One night, when she was so sad and hopeless from all the pain he brings on her. The Dark prince took her hand and put in it, a knife. He said, if you’re so sad then just end it tonight. She held the knife in her hand and cried fresh tears from old wounds. How could her Prince tell her to kill herself? Was she so unworthy? She wavered thinking old thoughts of dark and gloom, wondering if she would really be missed until those little faces swam before her mind. She remembered her promise, she put the knife down. She would never be a mom that cuts. She would never leave them to face the world alone.

So I wanted to touch base on a different view today because I don’t want people to misunderstand. I’m not naturally that bubbly, happy-go-lucky person. I’m a Scorpio female who likes to brood, etc. I wasn’t a cheerleader in high school. I experienced trauma I wouldn’t wish on anyone but I came out a better person on the other side. I changed into the optimistic, happy-go-lucky person I am today.

This process is complicated!

So firstly, as I’m sure you noticed with my short story. I know exactly what the bleak/dark abyss of depression feels like. One of my favorite rap artists right now, courtesy of my counselor, is NF. His song Paralyzed; pretty much encompasses a lot of the hurt and numb feelings I felt for a long, long time. Another song that resonates with me is Smile Empty Souls "With this Knife".
There is so much that happened to me emotionally that once I had gone through this. I was never going to be the same. I was dissociated. The only way I really survived all of that was through compartmentalizing myself and severing my emotions.

I’ve touched on this before but I want to connect to you on a deeper level. I have walked a dark path for many years. I circled the black abyss of denying self-love and depression for years. For the rest of you man...if you’ve never walked that path then I’m happy for you, it’s not fun. For those of you that know what I’m talking about; that bleak emptiness you face inside yourself and you make the decisions to keep carrying on and pushing even though you don’t see an end. That path…. that crawl is hard. Don’t Give Up!!!

I have made that journey and dragged myself through the stickiest, most disgusting emotional and psychological sludge to get to where I am today. I’m very surprised, pleasantly so to find myself on the other side of it now. 2 years ago, I was so jaded and angry that the only thing I felt was guilt, hate, and sadness, the last thing on my mind was trusting anyone let alone dating. It’s nice to know I’m not that person anymore.

The last little bit of me that my ex-husband hadn’t, completely broken, I buried deep, deep, deep down. After living years burying that last bit of my pride and self-love, I had forgotten how to find it once I didn’t need to bury it anymore. Honestly, the only time I felt emotion that last 2 and half years of my marriage was for my kids, my brother, my family. The rest of the time, I was paralyzed. I was numb. I was disgusted with myself, I hated myself and my ex-husband, I loathed his touch and yet I couldn’t see the answer staring me in the face yet, Leave. The kind and pretty words he would use during the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse*, I learned to associate with impending pain. I walked on eggshells every day for years. I worked 40 to 60 hour weeks though so I had to deal with people. I had to blend in to normal society.

Once it was all over and done, so many people who knew me were amazed to find out that I had filed a restraining order, that I had stayed in safe housing to get away and that I have lived years on end in physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, psychological harassment and abuse. Not one moment when I was around him did he ever truly leave me alone. The constant toxic blather of abuse streaming out of his mouth eventually wore me down to the point I had started to believe what he said about me because after you hear something non-stop...every day…for months straight……even the best of us breakdown.

How did outsiders not see it? Well, I’m sure some did. I remember; I had to think to myself “oh right, smile they told a joke.” I had to remind myself the correct facial expressions for normal human contact. I got really good at it though and you know why? It’s a weird phenomenon that after being around a narcissist/sociopath and having him controlling every aspect of my life. I had learned how to dissociate and feel apathetic towards the world. I had become a good liar because; hey, I had been lying to myself about my abuse for a while so it was easy to lie to the world about what was happening. It wasn’t healthy. I walked around my world dead inside to everything, not all of the time but most of the time.

If you had come to me last year and said; “Rachel! You can’t be numb!” I would’ve replied “No you’re wrong. Numb I can function; Numb I can handle. I can make this work!”

But I couldn’t stay numb...

In the beginning of freedom, I recognized that how I felt wasn’t normal and I half-heartedly tried to find a counselor but I never found one. I had found one for my oldest son because I knew he needed to heal. One of the last nights; I found my ex-husband half choking, half shaking him. He was 3 ½ years old. I knew I needed a pro to help him and dang, I found a great one. J This same counselor asked me one day how it was going, I broke down and told him how I couldn’t find anyone with experience in my kind of trauma, I didn’t want to be a guinea pig. He told me to come see him, to talk to him and it was perfect because he knew how to help families and everything I told him would help him understand and get through to my son about his trauma.

I’ll never call it easy, I’ll tell you the journey and the positive end result is worth it. I know there is a stigma about counseling. I had it myself but without our counselor. My son and I wouldn’t be this far into healing as we are now.

I went through homework assignment after homework assignment, week after week. It took pretty much a whole year and half of dedication. There were days I walked into his office and said “man, this sucks. I did your homework but I hated it!” ---But I still did it! That’s the difference between a good experience in counseling and a bad one. I was determined to find those feelings and un-paralyze myself. No matter how hard it was, he helped me remind myself: “Eventually I’ll get to the top of this mountain and it will be a great view. I’m going to keep at this, I can do this!” There were still mistakes along the climb, seriously…I made plenty but look at where I am now. I’m finally on the other side. He had me paint a ceramic that represented my marriage (this should’ve only taken me 2 months and I dragged it out to 6 >_<) After it was done, I smashed that thing to powder. Seriously, if one piece was as big as my pinky nail, I took up the hammer again. J If you’re expecting the end of that stage to be like a movie, it’s not. Life isn’t like a movie. I did feel empowered and victorious but it wasn’t this “light shining down on you Sword in the Stone type moment” that I had imagined. It was a calm acceptance; I accepted the past for what it was and that it would never change. I have grown and I have continued healing, I will continue to make the choice to heal every day. The best analogy I have is;

I was bleeding inside, all of those emotional wounds were oozing, grotesque holes that I constantly had to staple, clean and bandage. Finally, after all of this time cleaning those wounds, they’re finally scarring.

It’s still a work in progress, healing always is. It’s still easy for me to feel that old numb feeling and every day I tell myself that I will do better than I did yesterday. I will work to let myself feel. The hard part is that once you have broken down that hard shell, you still have to use boundaries. People need to earn trust and respect. They should never be given freely, those are precious and words alone are not enough to earn them. Actions speak volumes! I’m so much farther down the road then I ever imagined I would be. I will always be working to master this. 2 weeks ago, I received my admissions letter from a nursing program for my Bachelor of Science in Nursing and we just passed my 2-year anniversary of freedom, yes I did several happy dances. J I still have a life to live and journey to experience. You can heal yourself from emotional paralysis, don’t ever give up. If I hadn’t had my counselor, I would’ve never been this far into healing. I can’t image doing it alone, you need that guidance and outsider perspective. Bring your A game and do the work. The mountain is worth the climb, now start climbing to the top.

Now I can look back with clarity, patience, understanding and responsibility. Now, I am at peace and that is worth its weight in gold.

   Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline

Support, resources and advice for your safety

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

·         http://www.domesticviolence.org

Eureka!

You’ll never guess.. I do believe I did it!

 It has taken me years and honestly going through this whole healing process...I finally found myself and the love for myself I should’ve had from the beginning. So a brief glimpse into my past. When I was younger, my parents traveled a lot and then they land blasted us in Weiser freaking Idaho. Needless to say my rose covered glasses view of the world evaporated and I saw just how dark and mean the world can get in an instant. I had never dealt with the “small town” mindset until I moved to Idaho.. Little did I know just how throughout my lesson would be. I’ve got nothing against small towns but that narrow mean, perspective some people have is just downright unhealthy bordering on toxic. Really, that was hard for me, it was right at puberty so a small girl, not even 11. I was bullied, belittled, emotional and psychologically tortured for about 4 years before we moved to Utah. I struggled with that for a long time. I was forever obsessed with fitting that cosmopolitan image mindset, keeping my weight down no matter what. Seriously, lots and lots of diet pills, juice fasts for 3 to 4 weeks, etc.

            Anyway!

I came to the realization and to put this in perspective I will reference the “Big Bang Theory” here. I never realized I was a “penny”. I was that nerdy chick in high-school; hacky sac at midnight talking about games or the lasertag match we just finished. I loved my hoodies, my skater shoes, my buckle jeans, my platforms because I hadn’t accepted 5’2” was really just fun size yet, I liked what I wore and it was random. I never realized that all of my nerdy friends, the D&D nights, lasertag, LAN nights, and all of those good times with friends that I, thankfully, still have today. It was okay that I wasn’t that double zero.. I was still beautiful, loyal, caring and accepting.  I never saw myself from the outside. It took a marriage from the “Black Sarlacc Pit” for me to wake up. Yes! She did just reference Star Wars because 100 years of slow digestion is the best metaphor I can make for my marriage. :)

           

That time in the Sarlacc’s digestive system doesn’t matter now. So many of us bind ourselves with these rules and regulations on what we should be/act/look that we never give ourselves enough slack. Other people can be awful, yes that’s true, but by far I know I was the worse to myself. No one could even compete with how cruel I was to myself. A couple months ago, I was working through something and I was struggling. I told my counselor; “It hurt to hear some of my favorite songs such as Red Jumpsuits Apparatus: My Guardian Angel and I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz! I don’t want to listen to them because they remind me of the pain.” Then he said “Why Rachel? Why should they hurt?” He gave me a new way to look at them and it quickly caught a slow fire inside me. He put on My Guardian Angel and we listened to it. Then for the 2^nd time we listened to it, he told me to listen to this song from another perspective; the perspective of who I am now, the strong, independent healing woman singing to the hurt, bleeding woman/girl I use to be.

           

Honestly, it was the beginning of this huge enlightenment. I tried it and he was right. The perspective shifts a bit depending on the song. All of a sudden I realized yes, I can take this a different way and change how I react once again. Now when I hear a song I enjoy, I shift my perspective and it bolsters my hope and positive attitude. I’m not that angry bleeding person from last year anymore. I love and accept who I am and what I’m about. The excess weight I want to lose; that will go now that I have a good nutrition and exercise lifestyle. I am active and I finally let all those horrid rules drop away. I just want to be healthy. Now, I’m so much happier. I know who I am. I have come through some horrid experiences I wouldn’t wish on anyone but you know what? On the other side of it all, I’m a better person. I’m pretty damn cool. So what that I have some extra pounds, those will go but what you can’t just earn overnight is the personality and the mindset that I’ve grown. It’s so freeing, listening to my favorite songs and find them inspirational rather than getting sad. I don’t get sad anymore. I look at everyday as something else, something new, something positive and no matter what. As long as I hold in my heart; “that you know what, today was okay. I did the best I could but I will treat tomorrow better”. My sister gave me a great quote;

            

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday. “

            John Wayne