Blurry

Good Morning! I’m writing today at the tail end of my spring break. I took my boys to Utah to visit family and friends. It’s been over 6 years since I’ve seen my friends from here and it’s been about 2 and a half since I’ve seen my sister and her family. I have enjoyed coming back so much. There are parts of this place that I will always love and have a gravitational pull on me. I spent some of my best and not so good years here but all in all I look back on these memories with an enjoyment. The most interesting part this week has been that my memories and present have shifted together and became slightly blurry. Spending the time with my old comrades showed me that we’ve all changed but we were able to sit back and find that groove, having fun and comfortable even with the time apart. I did get frustrated at one point but all we can do is control how we react, there are a few nostalgia bubbles I wanted to pop but sadly I didn’t get the chance. Nostalgia is frustrating because time and a few concussions blur those memories and you’re stuck wondering was it really that great as I remember it or is it just a trick of my mind? Nostalgia is good for some I suppose but I find that if you let yourself think too much on it you end up in a mental rocking chair dilemma; where you’re thinking of the could have or should haves which is futile.

You can’t go back and you can’t replicate that. It’s very frustrating and it drives me a little crazy to think about which leads us to me wanting to burst that bubble. In the last 2 years I learned to work everyday in the present with short term goals to help keep me steered to long term goals and that’s all we can really do. Life really is a challenge and it seems that as I have gone through all of this I’ve learned that life never gets easier, you simply get better at juggling the responsibilities and workload.  

I learned something about vacations through this trip. I have to say the boys were just amazing on this trip. It was sooo different from the last time we came and they were epic. We went to museums, farms, pools, and more and they just loved playing with their cousins, aunt and uncle. They bloomed over this trip talking and chirping constantly and I was amazed how well they did at all the different places. If you had told me 2 years ago that we would have a trip like this with the results we did I probably would've fainted. It has given me such much hope and joy for future trips we take. I can show the boys more and more of their world and we can enjoy it all together, even when Dino rolls down a waterfall climb about 5 feet. >_<  This break was great for us because we need to get away, reach outside of our norms, enjoy our time together and it helps us miss our routines which renews our drive. I’ve been working to get down to my optimal weight and going on the trip showed me just how much I missed my gym routine!

My niece and nephew have sprouted up, my nephew is taller than me now, good grief the time just skipped by. I often refer to my marriage as a coma because I was so isolated for so long that when I "woke up" all this time had gone by even though I felt it hadn't. My marriage felt like an eternity, I had lost perception of all else and how time had moved forward. I’m so proud of my niece and nephew. They’re amazing but it's no surprise when you take into account who their parents are. My sister and her husband have been amazing support for me even when I wouldn’t listen to them.

The biggest part of all this that felt blurry was really me. It was like the past Rachel and the current Rachel were melding but having issues. At this point of my life I’m so ready to be done with school, move back to Utah and start the next part of my life. It’s very hard for me to be patient because that’s home for me and I accept now that it always will be.

Even when I travel with my boys and we live our lives I will always come to Utah at points because it’s my center. Ironic when I remember how much I wanted to leave and find my place in this world with my ex husband 8 years ago. I’m so happy for those that don’t need to learn such hard lessons as I did in order to grow, mature and change but I find solace that we are walking the path we’re meant to and it’s up to us to shoulder it and hold our head high.  

Quicksand

We’ve all been through social and emotional quicksand but have we really stopped and thought about that?

In the last 2 years and particularly the last 6 months I’ve come into many pits of quicksand without realizing what I had done to get there. This has happened with dating as well as friendships.

I’ve been so excited to make more friends here that I ignored some of my boundaries because I didn’t even consider friendship boundaries and romantic boundaries as the same. I differentiated something that you can’t, it’s a social/emotional boundary regardless of who that person is.

This is one of the problems I’ve had to work on over and over in the midst of life as a single parent who’s schedule really doesn’t give me much time and energy to cultivate relationships.

I’ve changed in how I interact with people. I’m far more assertive and direct then I ever use to be. It can throw some folks off which is entertaining but then it means I walk around with a constant hyperactive filter on my thoughts and words in day to day life. Why is that you may ask; well after going through everything in my marriage I walked on eggshells for years so I developed a heightened ability to read body language, expressions and other ques. Dino learned this skill as well. It means I notice things about people they don’t realize is obvious to me for example; I was on a date once and I made silly jokes to put him at ease because he seemed so nervous. I commented that I wouldn’t bite and he was very surprised/distressed that I had noticed his anxiety. That’s one example of hundreds I could give.

The point is life just bugs you sometimes and that’s okay. The hardest part is constantly flexing that psychological muscle and telling yourself over and over; “I can’t control them, I can only control me”. I strive to remember to give myself a break too because I’ve knowingly let my boundaries slip because I’ve been so impatient at times.

About 4 months ago I let some of the loneliness get to me and I jumped before I looked. It's not fun trying to rein those violations in because some people who don’t use similar boundaries or distance take it as mean, rude, discrimination or rejection. That is a veiled red flag I had to really think about because as I have had to take a step back in some of my relationships to put them back where they need to be considering the amount of time and energy these people have put in...they have been angry, resentful, dramatic, withdrawn and taken my boundaries as a personal attack.

Relationships like that are very easy for me to walk away because after my marriage I don’t need anymore emotional blackmail used against me but it’s everywhere. There are many instances where we don’t have a choice but to deal with these people and the best method is to stay professional and pleasant knowing that as long as you stay true to yourself, it doesn't matter what other people think.

The quicksand has been been a constant factor though. I also was getting to know a nice guy romantically. My latest mistake in this area snuck up on me..I recognized features and tendencies that reminded me of someone else and that right there should've stopped me flat.

You can’t recreate the past no matter how good your intentions or the desired relationship was. It’s just not possible. Nostalgia is almost dangerous because you look back on a time in your life when maybe you weren’t a better person but you were happier and you focus on those positive feelings without really thinking about all the factors of that time.

That’s what I tried to do and I ignored the differences and my boundaries because I was excited at the prospect of having a relationship like that again. I didn’t recreate anything, instead thanks to my choice to disregard my boundaries and lessons I ended up in a place I didn’t want to be with someone I didn’t really know. This dragged out longer than it should've and I had to accept my responsibility for it. That’s life right there, seeing when you’ve made a mistake, own up to it then you work to fix it and moving on.