You can do this

I know it hurts, everyday does. When you stop and think long enough to feel.. it feels like there's spider fractures everywhere. It's like a giant spiderweb of cysts hardening into one giant scar in your chest, your core. It's okay, this will end one day. The scar will harden and then you won't bleed anymore. We'll always miss and lament what we lost but we can build on who we are. We can go and see the world with the boys. We'll get that red tailed boa, we'll name him Ringo. The emptiness will get shoved aside with other parts of our life. No matter what keep going, we need this. Don't give up. You're stronger then that, you helped others get where they needed to be. You have the boys to guard and love. Live life, enjoy every sensation, every heart ache and joy. Laugh at what life does and what happens. Love yourself and your children. You grew them, they are you. They have your in their faces and their mitochondria. Don't think that they are ever the problem, the world is. They just need you to show them how to step on the toadstools of life as they go.

Identity

So I listened to Hoziers' Cherry Wine the other day and it made me stop and ponder. It reminded me of my marriage. The song is from a male victims point of view but that makes little difference because at the core of the song it's the same message. How we lose our identity over time.
What is identity? It's what defines you as you. What you like, don't like, your dreams and aspirations, your self respect, self esteem, self awareness. They all make up your individual identity.
How do abusers take that away? They take measured and deliberate steps to program you, no this isn't a conspiracy statement, it is simply fact. Abusers work very hard to destabilize your perception of the world so that they can turn you into exactly what they want; a subservient slave with no real mind of their own.
They all follow the same pattern though they are different people. They make the choice to abuse you and strip you of your identity. They were not born this way, they chose this. The story of an abusive childhood may have been true but the choice that was made was voluntary. If you want to truly change....you work at it everyday of your life.  We choose to be who we are everyday, pleasant and positive or a self centered void of a person. I had to choose like so many before me and it was not easy...there were times I wanted to rage and curse the world. I was angry and rightly so but life is not a movie. We do not get the “closure” we see in movies...real life is very different.
What happens as a result, we take a step towards a future that never was natural path for us. The resilient, we survive that future, we accept out responsibility for the choice we made and we push forward. This is a hard path with many curves and bends in a once “straight” road. There is no easy path in life, only an easy assurance that life is what it is and you choose everyday how to address that. Empower yourself by being the type of person you want to be, not what “life has dealt you” it is easy to blame, not to change pun intended. :)