Changes...

Wow...it’s so hard sometimes. Change is a part of who we are. Change is evolution, it's growth and experience but damn it's hard. In my marriage change usually meant some version of pain was coming. It's been a long road to walk, learning that change isn't something to be abhorred. It's necessary, we can't stay stagnant. Stagnation is like sinking lower and lower in a single pit, never climbing/stepping out of a simple pot hole that erodes over time. No, we can't stay stagnant. Sometimes all you can do is just breathe, push all the fears and negative emotions to the side and just breathe. I had to do that this morning. It's very hard for me to resist change. Life is about moving forward but it’s okay to be sad, you just can't stay there. Life is about the good and the bad. The pleasures and the pain. You can't appreciate one without the other. I admit, I'm sad. My son is losing a staff that has been with us for 2 years. She was the first person I ever trusted with him after I left my marriage. She's been a part of this journey, she's been so much more than his HI, she's been my friend, an example of the type of person I hope to be in a few years. I will always remember what we learned and went through together. She was right there with me when my son started showing signs of physical and sexual trauma from my ex. She's helped him learn and grow and progress such much in just 2 years it's staggering. We will miss her. 

Experiments

So today is a catch up because quite a few things piled up and I haven’t written lately. Stress! Holy Cow, we’re all stressed out which is in turn shortening our tetramers aging us and causing more unseen damage but that’s a piece for another time.

Sometimes it feels like I’m in a hurricane, stubbornly walking into it; my school schedule, the boys different school schedules, school meetings, speech and occupational therapies, counseling, and now we get to add medical appointments thanks to my car apparently being “hard to see”. The summer just flew by and fall semester hit me between the eyes.

Honestly though, a 92’ white Ford Taurus is hard to see?

So I hope you had a good summer and I for one am ready for fall. Now let’s talk about the experiment I had over the summer. It was “introspective homework” experiment to weigh and measure where I am emotionally, psychologically, etc. In other words, dating, (que Bethoven’s 5th Symphony notes)

I have to say it’s a time investment. That’s the most neutral observation I’m walking away with. I took an experimental month and I put myself out there to see what the singles world is like now…Ewwww…iiick…ouch…those words fly to the tip of my tongue on this one.

The most important skill I utilized was “critical thinking” and analyzing, seeing past the smile or pretty words to see the person underneath for who they were and not what they wanted to show. I mean, I blocked at least 50 men in the first 3 days because good lord the standards have dropped for men and women alike though I’m going off the reports I’ve had from friends for the females out there. It’s very sad..

I had to filter out the endless amounts of plain ridiculous, disgusting, and egocentric men to look for the qualities I wanted. Earlier this year, I wrote out an actual list which is still on my closet door of the 50 positive personalities traits I want in a man right next to the list of Red Flag behaviors that you can spot in others which will save you from dealing with quite so many douchebags.

Despite the obstacles this was good for me. It helped me see where I am now and how far I have come. Two years ago, after I came out of the marriage from the black beyond, I was cynical, jaded, angry and I had still yet to truly work on my self-worth and respect. I am proud of the progress I have made. So many people build up the idea that they must be with someone to be happy, they can’t even conceive the notion of not always being in a relationship.

If I learned nothing else in my marriage I learned this, two halves DO NOT make a whole in relationships. That’s the bottom line. The door swings both ways on the concept that you must respect yourself before others will respect you. We don’t live in a world where that’s not the case. It’s hard to take the microscope on yourself to improve and revamp what you want to be but it is worth the effort you put in.

If you compared the past “dating” (highly generous term when applied to that time) I did after my divorce compared to now you wouldn’t believe the difference. I wanted to feel good, feel pretty, blah blah but I hadn’t done the work yet. Now, I feel the change through the hard work of counseling and working on myself. I know what I will and won’t have in life and I have every right to demand it. There’s no use trying to fit someone in a spot that they don’t match. So often, we want to make a relationship work that just never will. No matter how many times you whip the horse, if he’s tired, you’re not going anyway.

Now going through this process, I actually did find someone that was a good person. We dated for about 3 and half months but it turns out we are in different places in life though I’m actually very happy to  know I can open up emotionally and psychologically which are huge for me. My jaded, sarcastic and cynical cuteness is my security blanket. I don’t want to give them up without a fight but we must seek balance. The best way I can describe how it feels to strip my barriers down is like having one of those rubber band balls and attempting to pull 50 off at once. It’s possible but they snap back into place very quickly. All of the hard work over the last year and half have been stripping those old and frayed ones off to reveal a strong and capable person underneath the layers.

The biggest lesson I learned from all of this is boundaries. Boundaries are important because you need them for yourself and others. It's unhealthy to jump into the physical or emotional deep end of the pool without really seeing that person in the shallow end and working your way out. Do you need to hide who you are? No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that the only way you’ll see a good person of substance is through a gradual process of getting to know them. This “Netflix and chill” thing going around creates a false sense of intimacy, you’re playing house with this person. Do you really get to know them that way? No, you see so much more by social and public interactions. How do they treat people around them? The more time you spend with a person out in “spotlights” the more you will come to see true aspects of their personality. People hide who they are, we all do but without boundaries I married a narcissist and spent 5 years in hell. Is that a risk you want to take? I’m good, been there, done that and now I want something real, good and whole or nothing at all.