Part
2
I know it’s been quite a while
since my last post and for that I’m sorry. This semester and the last have been
killer! I hope your holidays went well and that you got out and had some fun!
I am sitting down for another long overdue
part 2 of my reasons…I know it’s seriously overdue. >_<
#4 Strength
So, what comes to mind when you
think about strength? For me, I picture CrossFit folks, CEO’s etc. Those are
great examples but there are many versions of strong and working to re-forge yourself
to get stronger overtime isn’t easy. It’s also linear in nature because if I
were to stop in a year...my strength would stagnate and atrophy! (Dang!) We can’t have that so it’s a hourly, daily,
monthly, yearly etc. thing! Goodness…do I have enough pre-workout and coffee
for this? The answer is yes!
It’s
also frustrating when you work on different strengths at once and I had to back
off on a couple to keep balance while I’m in nursing school. My short-term
goals are; getting myself physically strong and healthy, mentally strong in school
practices and parenting. I had to start off in small steps too otherwise I
became too frustrated and impatient with myself. That’s the key to inner
strength by the way. We can’t guilt, shame and bully ourselves into goals.
We
must be mentally strong and kind to ourselves to get anywhere. I really did
struggle with that last summer. I had repeatedly fixed an older car until she
finally rolled over and died a month after school was out. The boys and I walked
or biked pretty much everywhere all summer. It was miserable some days and my
inner strength and positivity started to devolve. Sure, the boys and I had fun in sprinklers and
what not but when you have to take the kids to speech, OT, grocery store etc.
all during hot daylight hours and they get upset, hot, tired and you have no
choice but to put them on your shoulders and keep hoofing along…I admit, I broke
after the 1st month and started grumbling under my breathe at
myself. I shamed myself endlessly about how I should’ve done this or that. I should’ve
prevented that old car from dying on me and how I wasn’t making enough money
yet during school etc. I let myself be mentally weak and negative for a couple
months and all the progress I had made was set back and I had to start a new during
Fall Semester to now. It’s not worth being that toxic to yourself. It only
hurts you in the long run. We also must recognize our best fluctuates and our
best when everything is going right is drastically different then when we have
strep throat, the boys have strep, you have homework and you just want an 18
hour nap. It’s an uphill climb that refines and defines us as we push on. Don’t
give up!
#5 Adventure and let’s be honest…unapologetic
selfishness
Life
is too short to always have your nose to the grindstone and never have any fun
along the way. We always want to put things on hold until we’re ready; It’s not
so bad at the moment, I’m just too busy right now, it seems like a lot of
money, I’m afraid… These reasons and more cloud our desires and motivation. We
keep thinking we haven’t “earned” the fun reward yet because we don’t have 8
million set aside for retirement. I’m learning more and more that I must give
myself some slack and if I don’t have any fun what’s the point? I’ve had to
catch myself as I’m studying and working away the last year of school that the
boys still need me to be the fun zany mom they know. It became really obvious
when they got made when I pulled out my backpack or my laptop and I realized….I
haven’t been fun. I was kinda fun last summer when I wasn’t bullying myself. I
wanted that back. The boys won’t stay little while I’m in school. They’re
growing and maturing so fast it’s scary!
I
know what you’re thinking and no, I haven’t taken crazy vacations on the
weekends from school but I’m keeping myself in the present instead of the
future or the past. The future is great to look towards to make sure you’re
heading the right way towards your goals but only in moderation. The past?
Heck, only parts of my recent past were fun at all so I don’t want to camp out
there! The past is also dangerous because we get stuck in the mindset of if I could
only replicate that time now..I would be so happy. I’ve struggled immensely in
a state I really don’t know that many people here in Idaho and let’s face it, finding
friends as a single mom in school is like trying to date…mine field all
around... I let myself make excuses for a while like when I graduate I’ll move
back to Utah and have my sister, her kids, my friends back and all will be
right in the world….ya… silly right? >_< That idea isn’t a bad one, it
just let me bury my head in the sand and not push myself to get out there and
meet people in my present. I made myself lonely by sitting so much in the past.
I’ve
started pushing myself..slowly..I’ve gotten to know more folks in my program
and while some aren’t going to be my besties, I have found some good friends
that make the time in class fun. I missed this part of me, the silly fun person
I use to be before my marriage. I’m not the same as I once was but I’m not as
different as I thought. I’m more realistic, somewhat cynical, sarcastic but I
also have the perception of age and struggle to blend with my personality. I
was that adventurous kid that always wanted to try new things and never hold
back.
Those
experiences taught me to not take everything so serious. It’s okay to have fun
and find joy in the moment. It’s perfectly fine if someone doesn’t like me or
doesn’t laugh at my joke. I’ve learned to laugh at things instead of obsessing
and agonize over mistakes or blunders because I’m learning! It’s also insanely
fun to joke around and be lighthearted again. I’m always learning now and mistakes
are part of the process.
I
was so dramatic after my divorce about so much. It’s a relief to just let go
and be selfish occasionally. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing because you also
do need to put yourself first and love yourself. I’m not saying to walk around
and be an A**hole to everyone but you also don’t owe everyone your life story
or your time. It’s not always easy to put on the brakes and say, No, I don’t
want to mix with these toxic people. No, I just don’t want to! I’m going to do
this because I want to and it’s fun! (que the tongue sticking out face). I was
a people pleaser for so long the idea of letting go and walking away was
foreign but oh so good! I’m making plans for my year ahead. Skydiving, Tough Mudder,
perhaps a Spartan too, taking the kids camping, taking the kids to the coast
for a weekend…all because I don’t want to bury my head in the sand and grind
myself away until I finally graduate. It’s my life and darn it, I’m going to
start really living again! So, if you see a mom sprinting after her kids in the
park during a epic nerf gun or water balloon fight or playing zombie tag don’t
worry, she’s not crazy, that’s just me having some fun again.
Have a great rest of your
Valentines and stay tuned for part 3.
