Part 2

Part 2

I know it’s been quite a while since my last post and for that I’m sorry. This semester and the last have been killer! I hope your holidays went well and that you got out and had some fun!

I am sitting down for another long overdue part 2 of my reasons…I know it’s seriously overdue. >_<

#4 Strength

So, what comes to mind when you think about strength? For me, I picture CrossFit folks, CEO’s etc. Those are great examples but there are many versions of strong and working to re-forge yourself to get stronger overtime isn’t easy. It’s also linear in nature because if I were to stop in a year...my strength would stagnate and atrophy! (Dang!)  We can’t have that so it’s a hourly, daily, monthly, yearly etc. thing! Goodness…do I have enough pre-workout and coffee for this? The answer is yes!

                It’s also frustrating when you work on different strengths at once and I had to back off on a couple to keep balance while I’m in nursing school. My short-term goals are; getting myself physically strong and healthy, mentally strong in school practices and parenting. I had to start off in small steps too otherwise I became too frustrated and impatient with myself. That’s the key to inner strength by the way. We can’t guilt, shame and bully ourselves into goals.

                We must be mentally strong and kind to ourselves to get anywhere. I really did struggle with that last summer. I had repeatedly fixed an older car until she finally rolled over and died a month after school was out. The boys and I walked or biked pretty much everywhere all summer. It was miserable some days and my inner strength and positivity started to devolve.  Sure, the boys and I had fun in sprinklers and what not but when you have to take the kids to speech, OT, grocery store etc. all during hot daylight hours and they get upset, hot, tired and you have no choice but to put them on your shoulders and keep hoofing along…I admit, I broke after the 1^st month and started grumbling under my breathe at myself. I shamed myself endlessly about how I should’ve done this or that. I should’ve prevented that old car from dying on me and how I wasn’t making enough money yet during school etc. I let myself be mentally weak and negative for a couple months and all the progress I had made was set back and I had to start a new during Fall Semester to now. It’s not worth being that toxic to yourself. It only hurts you in the long run. We also must recognize our best fluctuates and our best when everything is going right is drastically different then when we have strep throat, the boys have strep, you have homework and you just want an 18 hour nap. It’s an uphill climb that refines and defines us as we push on. Don’t give up!

#5 Adventure and let’s be honest…unapologetic selfishness

                Life is too short to always have your nose to the grindstone and never have any fun along the way. We always want to put things on hold until we’re ready; It’s not so bad at the moment, I’m just too busy right now, it seems like a lot of money, I’m afraid… These reasons and more cloud our desires and motivation. We keep thinking we haven’t “earned” the fun reward yet because we don’t have 8 million set aside for retirement. I’m learning more and more that I must give myself some slack and if I don’t have any fun what’s the point? I’ve had to catch myself as I’m studying and working away the last year of school that the boys still need me to be the fun zany mom they know. It became really obvious when they got made when I pulled out my backpack or my laptop and I realized….I haven’t been fun. I was kinda fun last summer when I wasn’t bullying myself. I wanted that back. The boys won’t stay little while I’m in school. They’re growing and maturing so fast it’s scary!

                I know what you’re thinking and no, I haven’t taken crazy vacations on the weekends from school but I’m keeping myself in the present instead of the future or the past. The future is great to look towards to make sure you’re heading the right way towards your goals but only in moderation. The past? Heck, only parts of my recent past were fun at all so I don’t want to camp out there! The past is also dangerous because we get stuck in the mindset of if I could only replicate that time now..I would be so happy. I’ve struggled immensely in a state I really don’t know that many people here in Idaho and let’s face it, finding friends as a single mom in school is like trying to date…mine field all around... I let myself make excuses for a while like when I graduate I’ll move back to Utah and have my sister, her kids, my friends back and all will be right in the world….ya… silly right? >_< That idea isn’t a bad one, it just let me bury my head in the sand and not push myself to get out there and meet people in my present. I made myself lonely by sitting so much in the past.

                I’ve started pushing myself..slowly..I’ve gotten to know more folks in my program and while some aren’t going to be my besties, I have found some good friends that make the time in class fun. I missed this part of me, the silly fun person I use to be before my marriage. I’m not the same as I once was but I’m not as different as I thought. I’m more realistic, somewhat cynical, sarcastic but I also have the perception of age and struggle to blend with my personality. I was that adventurous kid that always wanted to try new things and never hold back.

                Those experiences taught me to not take everything so serious. It’s okay to have fun and find joy in the moment. It’s perfectly fine if someone doesn’t like me or doesn’t laugh at my joke. I’ve learned to laugh at things instead of obsessing and agonize over mistakes or blunders because I’m learning! It’s also insanely fun to joke around and be lighthearted again. I’m always learning now and mistakes are part of the process.

                I was so dramatic after my divorce about so much. It’s a relief to just let go and be selfish occasionally. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing because you also do need to put yourself first and love yourself. I’m not saying to walk around and be an A**hole to everyone but you also don’t owe everyone your life story or your time. It’s not always easy to put on the brakes and say, No, I don’t want to mix with these toxic people. No, I just don’t want to! I’m going to do this because I want to and it’s fun! (que the tongue sticking out face). I was a people pleaser for so long the idea of letting go and walking away was foreign but oh so good! I’m making plans for my year ahead. Skydiving, Tough Mudder, perhaps a Spartan too, taking the kids camping, taking the kids to the coast for a weekend…all because I don’t want to bury my head in the sand and grind myself away until I finally graduate. It’s my life and darn it, I’m going to start really living again! So, if you see a mom sprinting after her kids in the park during a epic nerf gun or water balloon fight or playing zombie tag don’t worry, she’s not crazy, that’s just me having some fun again.

Have a great rest of your Valentines and stay tuned for part 3.

13 Reasons Part 1

I know it’s been a while since my last post but bear with me. This one is going to be in 3 parts. I watched the Netflix series 13 reasons the other day. It is based on the story of a girl who struggled with suicide and ends her own life, if you haven’t seen it I highly recommend you watch it just make sure you have a box of tissues nearby.

            In the show, she went through 13 reasons that culminated in her suicide. I wanted to emulate this concept in my own way with 13 reasons I thrive. As I said in previous posts, I struggled with depression and walked the edge of suicide on one fateful night. Outwardly, no one knew how unhappy and numb I was except for my ex-husband but he enjoyed my misery so he doesn’t really count. ^_^

            That night like others I had felt as if I wasn’t worthy of life, love…any of it. That night I sat in the dark by myself with a knife for what seemed like hours. In that internal struggle, I felt nothing towards myself except self-loathing. I didn’t think anyone even wanted or needed me around. I simply wanted all the pain to stop. I had carried my depression inside since high school, I even planned it but hadn’t taken that final step.

            This time however; all the mistakes and the pain of the past had focused like a magnifying glass to a fine point but I stopped. In that span of time I stepped outside of myself and really thought of the steps afterward. My boys were the strongest pull towards rational thought. I thought of other relationships; friends and family I would never see again and how much they meant to me. I couldn’t do that to them, I wouldn’t leave the boys to face this world alone. I opened the door and put the blade away. I walked away from that night with a flicker, just a wisp of my long-forgotten grit, and desire to change. I wouldn’t stay in a marriage that was more akin to a 1 ton anchor around my neck dragging me into the abyss.

            "I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. – Atticus Finch       

1.    Courage

            When I left, I felt like a girl in the dark and dank forest, lost in the mist of regret but I had my eye on just one goal to begin with. To get my life back no matter how hard it would be, I wanted to feel joy again. I had walked away from every friend and family member when I chose to marry my ex-husband. I let him isolate me away from everyone I really loved and looked to for support and now it was time to make amends and get them all back. I made amends with my parents and brother that last fateful night when I had taken the last beating and coupled concussion (#12) I was ever going to take again. I called the police which didn’t pan out as well as you would think, I called my parents, took the boys and left. I spent the next day in my mom’s car with the boys while we waited for that court ruling ordering him out of the house. I stayed safe and whole then began the next step. It was so hard to pick up that phone and call. I started with my sister and brother in law then called everyone. I cried a river of tears in those conversations reconciling and apologizing but not one of them had turned against me. The scariest thing turned out to be the most rewarding; everyone had been waiting for me to wake up and be me again. It felt very good to wake up.

            We all started the road of healing together. I enrolled in school to finish my bachelors 2 months later and by January 2015 I was in a 16-credit semester, scholarship to get into the nursing program and the CNA class with 2 boys in tow. We had some challenges against us. I enrolled the boys in early intervention services. Let me tell you, if I hadn’t had all the support of those services and family I shudder to think how that could’ve gone. The boys started going out into the community, school, and home with a blooming freedom and love I hadn’t seen before. We were all still scared. It took a lot of time and reinforcement for all of us to believe it was finally over. Dino and I especially had to work through so much its staggering. I was great at masking my emotions by this point as I’m sure you’ve guessed so none of my fellow students, co-workers and associates had any idea the haze of fear I walked in. Anytime I went to school, store, library, gas stations, to get the mail, to go for a walk. I walked in a hypersensitive state. I suffered from panics attacks every day that 1^st year; anywhere from 5 to 15 or even 25 daily. Every time I saw someone that looked like my ex the physical response triggered or “flight or fight” which you may be more familiar with. Let me tell you, it got old fast. I would walk to the bathroom or a secluded spot; sit down and put my head between my knees and breathe waiting for it to pass repeatedly. Eventually one of my class mates commented and I told her why I had to disappear for a few minutes. She had no idea all she knew is that I looked forward to my divorce being official with an unusual amount of gusto. I still remember her response; “OMG Rachel! How are you here right now? How are you doing all this and passing your classes?!” My response was a surprise to her; “What? Was I supposed to sit around and cry because I finally got away from my monster?”

            The steps to thrive are not always easy as you can see but that’s how you forge a new path, one step at a time.  

2.    Relationships

            My family and friends are amazing. My sister, brother, brother in law, mom and my boys are just freaking awesome and my strongest anchors in the storm of life. We are there for each other and we love each other even when we bug each other to no end. My family is very supportive even when I made bad choice after bad choice. One of the strongest reasons for me to push is to always reward that love and loyalty. My friends and my family owed me nothing. I had turned from all their love, support, and concern to give my love and loyalty to someone unworthy of it. When it all came to a screeching halt and I was so scared to talk to them, to swallow my pride and ask for forgiveness they all gave me forgiveness and love. That was the first ray of light on my future. I saw that relationship ships have the miraculous ability to survive our ego, stupidity, and denial. They give us hope and the foundation to rebuild ourselves into something better.

Let’s face it though, we can all relate to the Hulk sometimes…

3.    Anger

Anger is just a reaction to fear and sadness but it can be used for good. My anger isn’t the bright, feral forest fire of spite it once was. I was determined to show him, to show all his ilk and myself that I was better than them and I always would be. I imagine some of you would say forgiveness is the only way to be free and you’re right. In the beginning, however, all I had in my whole being was love for family but it was very small in comparison to the all-encompassing dark anger I carried. It did help, I know that sounds bizarre but it’s true. I was every bit the brain washed beaten wife. After I left I would hear those old lies and putdowns lurking like miasma in my mind; “I had torn us apart, I was a failure, would he be okay? Who would take care of him? I had failed as a wife and mother. It was all my fault, I should’ve been better.”  These and more would creep like a thief in the night into my mind and my nightmares.  When I was working with my family to get moved out of the house while he did a short stink it jail for that last beating, I had 3 boxes of his clothes and I worried over it to my brother;

“Who will take his stuff to him? I don’t know what to do Mikey, I don’t want to do it...I’m scared of what he’ll do when he sees me.” Mike put his hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eye and said “Who F***ing cares?! You don’t owe him a damn thing, a single thought Rachie! Every time you worry or your doubt yourself I want you to think back to all the times he’s hurt you and the boys. Think back to when he nearly blinded you, fractured your face and you walked around with a blood-soaked eye for 5 weeks.  Screw him and being cold! Don’t you think on it for one minute. Every time you start to feel this way, think back to all of it and the lies he damned you to say to protect him.”

It worked. Every time those old emotions, doubts and negative self-talk resurfaced I pushed it back by remembering and letting my anger burn away the brainwashing. Anger can have a positive purpose but it doesn’t give you that long term peace and positivity. It’s a quick burn, like gasoline, just waiting to ignite in an instant. These days the best way I can describe my anger is like magma beneath the surface; the outer layers have cooled and hardened and only the deep layers still glow. I’m slowly cooling down to my core and this feels far better than the mini blonde hulk I felt like through that first year. She was exhausting! You’ve heard this before in life; the only person who feels your hate and anger is yourself. I can personally attest that if it was otherwise, my ex would’ve been one of those case of spontaneous human combustion. Yes, I really did visualize that at times but it never worked. (Dang it!) ^_^ The jokes aside, it’s an exercise you have to build into a habit. When anger washes over you, you let it but not give it purchase. The last 6 months Dino has started processing his trauma (I didn’t see it coming quite so fast) and he talks about it...Those moments I must keep my emotions fluid and just as the anger at my ex’s crimes I never knew about come I push it aside. Dino needs my acceptance, love and support and I need it too. Anger only has purchase and wears you down when you let it so in moments of anger I repeat out loud; “I’m strong. I’m safe. I’m not broken and I have greatness within me.”

Positive self-talk out loud is very powerful, give it a try. Stay tuned for rest of my 13 reasons. ^_^

Blurry

Good Morning! I’m writing today at the tail end of my spring break. I took my boys to Utah to visit family and friends. It’s been over 6 years since I’ve seen my friends from here and it’s been about 2 and a half since I’ve seen my sister and her family. I have enjoyed coming back so much. There are parts of this place that I will always love and have a gravitational pull on me. I spent some of my best and not so good years here but all in all I look back on these memories with an enjoyment. The most interesting part this week has been that my memories and present have shifted together and became slightly blurry. Spending the time with my old comrades showed me that we’ve all changed but we were able to sit back and find that groove, having fun and comfortable even with the time apart. I did get frustrated at one point but all we can do is control how we react, there are a few nostalgia bubbles I wanted to pop but sadly I didn’t get the chance. Nostalgia is frustrating because time and a few concussions blur those memories and you’re stuck wondering was it really that great as I remember it or is it just a trick of my mind? Nostalgia is good for some I suppose but I find that if you let yourself think too much on it you end up in a mental rocking chair dilemma; where you’re thinking of the could have or should haves which is futile.

You can’t go back and you can’t replicate that. It’s very frustrating and it drives me a little crazy to think about which leads us to me wanting to burst that bubble. In the last 2 years I learned to work everyday in the present with short term goals to help keep me steered to long term goals and that’s all we can really do. Life really is a challenge and it seems that as I have gone through all of this I’ve learned that life never gets easier, you simply get better at juggling the responsibilities and workload.  

I learned something about vacations through this trip. I have to say the boys were just amazing on this trip. It was sooo different from the last time we came and they were epic. We went to museums, farms, pools, and more and they just loved playing with their cousins, aunt and uncle. They bloomed over this trip talking and chirping constantly and I was amazed how well they did at all the different places. If you had told me 2 years ago that we would have a trip like this with the results we did I probably would've fainted. It has given me such much hope and joy for future trips we take. I can show the boys more and more of their world and we can enjoy it all together, even when Dino rolls down a waterfall climb about 5 feet. >_<  This break was great for us because we need to get away, reach outside of our norms, enjoy our time together and it helps us miss our routines which renews our drive. I’ve been working to get down to my optimal weight and going on the trip showed me just how much I missed my gym routine!

My niece and nephew have sprouted up, my nephew is taller than me now, good grief the time just skipped by. I often refer to my marriage as a coma because I was so isolated for so long that when I "woke up" all this time had gone by even though I felt it hadn't. My marriage felt like an eternity, I had lost perception of all else and how time had moved forward. I’m so proud of my niece and nephew. They’re amazing but it's no surprise when you take into account who their parents are. My sister and her husband have been amazing support for me even when I wouldn’t listen to them.

The biggest part of all this that felt blurry was really me. It was like the past Rachel and the current Rachel were melding but having issues. At this point of my life I’m so ready to be done with school, move back to Utah and start the next part of my life. It’s very hard for me to be patient because that’s home for me and I accept now that it always will be.

Even when I travel with my boys and we live our lives I will always come to Utah at points because it’s my center. Ironic when I remember how much I wanted to leave and find my place in this world with my ex husband 8 years ago. I’m so happy for those that don’t need to learn such hard lessons as I did in order to grow, mature and change but I find solace that we are walking the path we’re meant to and it’s up to us to shoulder it and hold our head high.  

Quicksand

We’ve all been through social and emotional quicksand but have we really stopped and thought about that?

In the last 2 years and particularly the last 6 months I’ve come into many pits of quicksand without realizing what I had done to get there. This has happened with dating as well as friendships.

I’ve been so excited to make more friends here that I ignored some of my boundaries because I didn’t even consider friendship boundaries and romantic boundaries as the same. I differentiated something that you can’t, it’s a social/emotional boundary regardless of who that person is.

This is one of the problems I’ve had to work on over and over in the midst of life as a single parent who’s schedule really doesn’t give me much time and energy to cultivate relationships.

I’ve changed in how I interact with people. I’m far more assertive and direct then I ever use to be. It can throw some folks off which is entertaining but then it means I walk around with a constant hyperactive filter on my thoughts and words in day to day life. Why is that you may ask; well after going through everything in my marriage I walked on eggshells for years so I developed a heightened ability to read body language, expressions and other ques. Dino learned this skill as well. It means I notice things about people they don’t realize is obvious to me for example; I was on a date once and I made silly jokes to put him at ease because he seemed so nervous. I commented that I wouldn’t bite and he was very surprised/distressed that I had noticed his anxiety. That’s one example of hundreds I could give.

The point is life just bugs you sometimes and that’s okay. The hardest part is constantly flexing that psychological muscle and telling yourself over and over; “I can’t control them, I can only control me”. I strive to remember to give myself a break too because I’ve knowingly let my boundaries slip because I’ve been so impatient at times.

About 4 months ago I let some of the loneliness get to me and I jumped before I looked. It's not fun trying to rein those violations in because some people who don’t use similar boundaries or distance take it as mean, rude, discrimination or rejection. That is a veiled red flag I had to really think about because as I have had to take a step back in some of my relationships to put them back where they need to be considering the amount of time and energy these people have put in...they have been angry, resentful, dramatic, withdrawn and taken my boundaries as a personal attack.

Relationships like that are very easy for me to walk away because after my marriage I don’t need anymore emotional blackmail used against me but it’s everywhere. There are many instances where we don’t have a choice but to deal with these people and the best method is to stay professional and pleasant knowing that as long as you stay true to yourself, it doesn't matter what other people think.

The quicksand has been been a constant factor though. I also was getting to know a nice guy romantically. My latest mistake in this area snuck up on me..I recognized features and tendencies that reminded me of someone else and that right there should've stopped me flat.

You can’t recreate the past no matter how good your intentions or the desired relationship was. It’s just not possible. Nostalgia is almost dangerous because you look back on a time in your life when maybe you weren’t a better person but you were happier and you focus on those positive feelings without really thinking about all the factors of that time.

That’s what I tried to do and I ignored the differences and my boundaries because I was excited at the prospect of having a relationship like that again. I didn’t recreate anything, instead thanks to my choice to disregard my boundaries and lessons I ended up in a place I didn’t want to be with someone I didn’t really know. This dragged out longer than it should've and I had to accept my responsibility for it. That’s life right there, seeing when you’ve made a mistake, own up to it then you work to fix it and moving on.

Labels

Labels are interesting. When the boys were first diagnosed I struggled a great deal. Many parents struggle with a diagnosis because they put so much stock in that label. They can be detrimental to some and I went through that too. At first I didn’t want to face that when I was still married…… “ no they’re, no they’re not….they’re fine.. they’re fine they just need more time” but then I got them out and safe and they were still not neuro-typical.

            (I will also address my boys as Dino for my oldest and Zombie for my youngest as it’s their favorite things on the planet.)

            Dino was diagnosed first in spring of 2015 and I was desperate by that point then Zombie was diagnosed after he turned 3 in the fall of 2015 I was ready because I had just gone through all of this with Dino.

            I often felt very overwhelmed because I had never been a mom before let alone how did I help them? I was very hard on myself in the beginning; “What do I do? I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m not equipped to deal with this. I need help! I’m not good at this, this is crazy this is insane, I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’ve ruined them…This is all my fault. I should’ve gotten them away sooner….I’m a horrible mother. I’m a failure “

            I questioned every decision I had ever made. I thought I was a horrible parent. I listened to and put those same judgements many others put on me and I beat myself up over it for a long time.

            Then once they had been diagnosed and I was on the path of getting them the services they needed. That path was a god send and saved my sanity.  Everything changed over time. All of a sudden when you have a label on what is going on, everything doesn’t necessary get easier but then you find yourself in this amazing support system and services. When I felt like I was thrashing around trying not to drown in a giant sea storm holding on to a piece of wood, a little piece that barely kept your face above water, like maybe a 2x4. I was so grateful, all of a sudden the boys had Habilitative Interventionists, Habilitative Supports, Speech and Occupational therapy. They not only had seen these types of behaviors before but they KNEW what to do!!! They had advice, strategies, communicative boards and pic boards, etc.  It was AWESOME and at a time when I was just in a haze, I never would’ve thought of half of it even if I had sat down and read book after book after book. In the current state I was in, that wasn’t going to happen.

(pics from 2014 summer before I left)

            It was a HUGE turning point then I got them into counseling and the changes continued. It’s crazy, I even have to remind myself of what it was like back then. They’re so full of life and joy! I don’t know how else to make an impact: my boys barely smiled, it was really just a grimace. It was the same “smile” I had when I was trying to look happy in my marriage. After they had been away and safe they started to smile more and more. Now their smiles are near to bursting with impish, crazy joy. I’m so proud of their resiliency in all this. To see them really smile makes my heart just swell even when we have funky days.

(2016 pics) :)

            The funky days are when labels can blur for us. I admit this freely, I use the labels despite  believing the boys can overcome and adapt the hardships they have. I fully intend to teach them how to cope with their world so they can go to college and be funny and amazing engineers. Having that said, our day to day lives can get hectic and I get stressed out beyond reason and frustrated with the boys but on a larger whole; other people.

            To see them on the street you’d never think my boys have been through any of it. There’s no scarring, no obvious physical ques or ticks, no giant permanent marks and for that I’m grateful. The few physical scars I have are enough but going through our day to day lives gets hard for me and I fine myself internally sighing a great deal.

            I walk with other special needs parents on a path that is judged every step. The longer I have been at this the more I have developed the “tune out” muscle to the judgmental stares, comments, and deliberate puts downs in public. I have listened to people tell me how I don’t know what I’m doing and how I should be parenting my children. I’m an irresponsible parent or a dictator. I have heard many times that all they need is a good swat or some such archaic ideal and that would cure my kids. It all hurts and I grit my teeth because I don’t owe these people anything.

            They don’t deserve our story and here in lies the label dilemma, I get so tired of the many ideals and perceptions thrust upon me that I use the words Autism Spectrum Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder and PTSD like a shield because within seconds those judgements don’t disappear as much as change into a look of pity I’ve come to loathe as much as their judgments. This is a dilemma I have every day; when we go to the store, park, mall, event or even the hiking trail you’ve thought you timed well so no one would be out there….  -_-

            It was easy in the beginning to become more isolating and independent so I didn’t have to constantly apologize when Dino walked into someone or bark word of warning about personal boundaries to Zombie who will hug everyone especially the people who don’t want them. It’s not fair to the boys to try and avoid these places because we all have to learn how to cope and they need my example in those times. This is the part of parenting I didn’t know would weigh so heavy. The responsibility to not only teach them and guide them but also be the example in actions of everything I say. So we walk with our heads high and I take them to different events and things because it’s not fair to deprive them to save my own personal feelings or because other adults who should be able to handle it with grace fail to do so and overtime my “tune out muscle” has gotten stronger.

            I’ve taken Dino to the Color Run and the Insane Inflatable 5k the last 2 years because I want them to not only have everyday experiences but I want to teach them that they can do it. Zombie will be joining us this year if I can convince my brother to come because until they think it’s hilarious to split directions and in a large crowd that gets a little complicated.  >_<

            It was huge to take them to so many fun things the last 2 years and considering where it started you have to admit, it’s pretty cool.

            I’ve learned so much in the last 6 years and I will continue to learn as the boys move to each new milestone. I am grateful to my kids because they saved me. I’ve always heard in the last 2 years that I saved my kids but I disagree.

            Yes, I got them out and away but what people don’t understand is that when you’re stuck in the survival mode. You’re not thinking clearly and you’re just doing the best you can in a horrid situation after you’ve been broken down psychologically and emotionally so much that the normal standards to others are luxuries you haven’t known in years. I came home in October of 2014 to find my ex half choking/half shaking Dino. I walked in the door at 12am just getting off work to hear my son screaming. I had never heard him make that sound before…I dropped my stuff and ran to his room and just gaped when I found my ex over him on bent knees shaking him and yelling at him “why won’t you talk”. Dino was 3 and half years old…That moment seemed like an eternity then I got him off Dino and shoved him out of the room. I sat against the door with Dino in my arms, crying as I comforted my son and calming him down. So many things went through my mind that night but the key point was “Enough, I’m done.” That night I broke the cycle and I took the kids and left.

            It was that catalyst that has sparked an ambition and determination in me that has changed me forever. The catalyst of refusing to let my kids go through that was a turning point for the rest of my life and theirs. My boys saved me that night because had that not happened, I can’t honestly predict if I would’ve ever left or gone through such an extensive rebirth. I go through great pains to never use the labels in front of the boys or I cover their ears because the point in all this is: I won’t ever let the boys think of themselves as a label because they are unique, amazing and resilient little men I love. I have learned to look at the world and my own body with greater respect and wonder. It has given me a unique perspective that I get to share with other parents of special needs because we’ve had to adapt and grow along with our kids.  They have taught me lessons about myself I didn’t know I needed and I will always be proud of all they have accomplished and all that they will do in the future.

Patience and Parenting

So parenting can be challenging! We always want to save our kids from the pain and hardships from this life but in all honesty, we can’t. They have to learn and grow on their own, after all.  We’re not making carbon copies of ourselves but guiding and helping them as they grow into who they are, teaching them the values of being a good person  and that they can accomplish their goals in life.

Watching and supporting the boys has been multifaceted, at times it’s so hard watching them struggle it makes my heart bleed then at other times I see how loving and wonderful they really are and my chest swells with pride and love.

They first started as what I can only describe as little tarzans. They were non-verbal until the end of 2015 spring. My oldest was 4, my youngest was 2 by this point and we had been through quite a bit. The boys saw and heard more than I ever realized.  They were diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, Global Developmental Delay, Speech Delay, and ASD in the summer of 2015.

They would scream, throw toys, hit, pinch, bite, spit, throw themselves to the floor, hit themselves, headbutt, etc. They really didn’t play with their toys, they would more or less hit stuff together or throw toys as their play. They never played with each-other and fought constantly. The best way to describe it in terms you can picture is that in an average day, if they only threw, hit, kicked, headbutted, punched or slapped me 15 times in a day via tantrums..that was a GOOD day.

I remember one of the first turning points for them was after I had started my oldest with services to help him work through his PTSD. He has what I can only describe as miracle workers: Habilitative INterventionists and Habilitative Supports that will take him out into the community and work on self regulation, coping mechanisms, support and supervision as he learns and grows. My dad once asked me what exactly they do and my response was: They help civilize them! Or rather, everything to ensure he can grow and develop in a healthy way. I also signed him up for counseling. I was ecstatic to find a counselor that would take a nonverbal child, Chad Hansen, is a god send for us.

The road of healing progressed slowly. The boys were wary, it’s like subconsciously we all waited….thinking that the peace was short lived but as weeks turned into months we all breathed a little easier then we started to change.

There were times when my youngest would pick up a crayon, chalk or pen then walk towards the table or a wall and my oldest would literally freak out and tackle him to the floor. The first time I saw this I cried as I rushed to separate them.  I couldn’t understand what my ex would have done to inspire such fear.  After reading online and talking to his staff and counselor, we all took great pains to teach him that drawing, art and everything was okay and he wouldn’t be punished. I would catch him before he got to his brother and hug him repeating over and over “It’s okay for you and your brother to draw. I promise no matter what happens mama will always love you. It’s okay, breathe honey” I lost count how many times I repeated this mantra and many others like it in our lives but it worked. I always have had to be very conscious of how the boys view my reactions to everything and it’s helped me become a better example and show them that I love them and they are safe.

He still had many issues with self regulating his anger. When he would rage and scream we had to move ourselves away from him and let him calm on his own or put him in his room where he was safe but couldn’t get to me or other caregivers. Eventually we incorporated “blowing out his candles” where his counselor, myself or his staff would hold our hands up and have him blow out his candles. It took quite a long time but eventually he started to breathe through his frustration and I always did this myself when I would get frustrated. I made a point of saying, “mama is going to blow out her candles, I am upset” so they would both see that breathing was a better alternative and that I didn’t expect them to do anything I wouldn’t do by example.

Once they got the beginning of their words it was just amazing, after years of never having him talk to me he was trying to argue, debate, tell us about his dragons, tell me about his day. There are times I almost forget how it all started because of the growth and accomplishments my boys have made. My youngest still has his own dialogue to a point. He deletes the of of the word constants but he’s making great progress. My oldest now speaks from 2 up to 6 sentences to me. He loves to debate why he shouldn’t go into timeout or why he should get 2 cookies instead of one.

They play together, make up stories, gang up against mom in wrestling but the biggest thread in our lives now is happy. Their smiles changed as much as their behaviours. They’re “normalizing” and fighting like siblings do rather than treating each other with indifference and violence. Now they bicker over who won the race..I know to some this may not be huge but after the last 4 years of our lives...these are some of the best times. They laugh, cry, whine, sing, sneak, play, draw and talk everyday now. Our weeks are full of my school schedule or work, their speech and occupational therapies, counseling, HI & HS services and I’m planning on horse therapy this summer because no matter how crazy and busy it keeps me it’s all worth it because they are changing and learning more and more everyday.

So no matter how much you may feel overwhelmed by the stresses of everyday life always remember to do your best everyday and give yourself slack. Parenting isn’t easy and we all have our bad moments but as long as we move forward and reinforce the positive with love understanding and patience. We can do it, 1 step at a time because that step turns into 1 day then a week, a year then 2 years then we look back and look with awe as we realize we did it and we can keep doing it. One step at a time. :)

Do we live in fear or strength?

So I’m writing to you all tonight about a new development: guarding ourselves and making decisions, we either live with strength or we live in fear. It’s hard to always recognize when we start living in either spectrum, what’s the difference?

            “Guarding ourselves in fear keeps us trapped in fear, it traps us in the past” – Chad Hanson. As I’m walking thru life I find myself striving to remember this. It’s easy for me to not notice when I drift back into the victim mindset. “Why is this happening? What’s going on? I’m scared he’ll hurt me, I don’t want to let anyone in”” They’re judging me” “What do they think?? They think I’m a bad mother” Fear allows an old mindset I always have to push away. Living in fear makes you question things for the wrong reasons, it keeps you from thinking. It paralyzes your reason. It traps you in the past reliving those mistakes over and over in a vicious and toxic cycle. We are not living life when we are afraid. We’re using those boundaries as a shield against the world. When you live in that mindset you seek validation for that fear. If we’re afraid of a relationship, we can easily deflect with breaking our boundaries and using physical contact as a way to validate and distract ourselves. When you’re kissing someone you’re living in the moment and not listening to the doubts and fears in your mind but they will come knocking later, they always do.

As I’ve come into this past year I have made huge strides but remembering to always live in strength takes a daily habit loop I have to instill. As I’ve started dating and I find myself in the situations where I am opening myself up and being vulnerable that’s where this has been a block for me. I had to sit down and ask myself:

Am I the same person I was when I was 25 and married the wrong man? No I am not. The woman I am today has pushed, climbed and worked through a road of healing that has transformed who I am. Could who I am today ever fall for someone like my ex-husband before all of the abuse had started? No, because I have grown, my expectations are where they always should have been. I have learned to love myself and see the world in a new and fantastic way. We have to always work on focusing on the positive and pull from strength.

When you feel that strength you ask yourself the questions for the right reason. “Who is this person? What type of person is this? Does he/she have values? Does he/she respect themselves?” “Does he/she respect my boundaries and my decisions?” We should guard ourselves and provide boundaries because we’re all pretty awesome people and utilizing these tools the right way gives us the satisfaction of knowing that when we do progress in a relationship and let that person past those boundaries it’s because they recognize us for who we are as a person, they truly care about who we are. We must always demand respect from ourselves and once we do, we will always demand and receive it from others.

Living in strength is truly living. It frees us from doubt, toxic and unhealthy thoughts of the past. The past is just the past after-all, learn from it and move forward but don’t let it drag you down. You deserve better than that. We deserve to live life, not watch it pass us by.