I know it’s
been a while since my last post but bear with me. This one is going to be in
3 parts. I watched the Netflix series 13 reasons the other day. It is based on
the story of a girl who struggled with suicide and ends her own life, if you
haven’t seen it I highly recommend you watch it just make sure you have a box
of tissues nearby.
In the show, she went through 13
reasons that culminated in her suicide. I wanted to emulate this concept in my
own way with 13 reasons I thrive. As I said in previous posts, I struggled with
depression and walked the edge of suicide on one fateful night. Outwardly, no
one knew how unhappy and numb I was except for my ex-husband but he enjoyed my
misery so he doesn’t really count. ^_^
That night like others I had felt as
if I wasn’t worthy of life, love…any of it. That night I sat in the dark by
myself with a knife for what seemed like hours. In that internal struggle, I
felt nothing towards myself except self-loathing. I didn’t think anyone even
wanted or needed me around. I simply wanted all the pain to stop. I had carried
my depression inside since high school, I even planned it but hadn’t taken that
final step.
This time however; all the mistakes
and the pain of the past had focused like a magnifying glass to a fine point
but I stopped. In that span of time I stepped outside of myself and really
thought of the steps afterward. My boys were the strongest pull towards
rational thought. I thought of other relationships; friends and family I would never
see again and how much they meant to me. I couldn’t do that to them, I wouldn’t
leave the boys to face this world alone. I opened the door and put the blade
away. I walked away from that night with a flicker, just a wisp of my long-forgotten
grit, and desire to change. I wouldn’t stay in a marriage that was more akin to
a 1 ton anchor around my neck dragging me into the abyss.
"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead
of getting the idea that courage is a man with
a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you
begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. – Atticus Finch
1. Courage
When I left, I felt like a girl in
the dark and dank forest, lost in the mist of regret but I had my eye on just
one goal to begin with. To get my life back no matter how hard it would be, I
wanted to feel joy again. I had walked away from every friend and family member
when I chose to marry my ex-husband. I let him isolate me away from everyone I
really loved and looked to for support and now it was time to make amends and
get them all back. I made amends with my parents and brother that last fateful
night when I had taken the last beating and coupled concussion (#12) I was ever
going to take again. I called the police which didn’t pan out as well as you
would think, I called my parents, took the boys and left. I spent the next day
in my mom’s car with the boys while we waited for that court ruling ordering
him out of the house. I stayed safe and whole then began the next step. It was
so hard to pick up that phone and call. I started with my sister and brother in
law then called everyone. I cried a river of tears in those conversations reconciling
and apologizing but not one of them had turned against me. The scariest thing
turned out to be the most rewarding; everyone had been waiting for me to wake
up and be me again. It felt very good to wake up.
We all started the road of healing
together. I enrolled in school to finish my bachelors 2 months later and by
January 2015 I was in a 16-credit semester, scholarship to get into the nursing
program and the CNA class with 2 boys in tow. We had some challenges against
us. I enrolled the boys in early intervention services. Let me tell you, if I
hadn’t had all the support of those services and family I shudder to think how
that could’ve gone. The boys started going out into the community, school, and
home with a blooming freedom and love I hadn’t seen before. We were all still
scared. It took a lot of time and reinforcement for all of us to believe it was
finally over. Dino and I especially had to work through so much its staggering.
I was great at masking my emotions by this point as I’m sure you’ve guessed so
none of my fellow students, co-workers and associates had any idea the haze of
fear I walked in. Anytime I went to school, store, library, gas stations, to
get the mail, to go for a walk. I walked in a hypersensitive state. I suffered
from panics attacks every day that 1st year; anywhere from 5 to 15
or even 25 daily. Every time I saw someone that looked like my ex the physical
response triggered or “flight or fight” which you may be more familiar with.
Let me tell you, it got old fast. I would walk to the bathroom or a secluded spot;
sit down and put my head between my knees and breathe waiting for it to pass repeatedly.
Eventually one of my class mates commented and I told her why I had to disappear
for a few minutes. She had no idea all she knew is that I looked forward to my
divorce being official with an unusual amount of gusto. I still remember her
response; “OMG Rachel! How are you here right now? How are you doing all this
and passing your classes?!” My response was a surprise to her; “What? Was I supposed
to sit around and cry because I finally got away from my monster?”
The steps to thrive are not always
easy as you can see but that’s how you forge a new path, one step at a time.
2.
Relationships
My
family and friends are amazing. My sister, brother, brother in law, mom and my
boys are just freaking awesome and my strongest anchors in the storm of life. We
are there for each other and we love each other even when we bug each other to
no end. My family is very supportive even when I made bad choice after bad
choice. One of the strongest reasons for me to push is to always reward that
love and loyalty. My friends and my family owed me nothing. I had turned from all
their love, support, and concern to give my love and loyalty to someone
unworthy of it. When it all came to a screeching halt and I was so scared to
talk to them, to swallow my pride and ask for forgiveness they all gave me
forgiveness and love. That was the first ray of light on my future. I saw that
relationship ships have the miraculous ability to survive our ego, stupidity,
and denial. They give us hope and the foundation to rebuild ourselves into
something better.
Let’s face it though, we can all relate
to the Hulk sometimes…
3.
Anger
Anger is just a reaction to fear and
sadness but it can be used for good. My anger isn’t the bright, feral forest
fire of spite it once was. I was determined to show him, to show all his ilk
and myself that I was better than them and I always would be. I imagine some of
you would say forgiveness is the only way to be free and you’re right. In the beginning,
however, all I had in my whole being was love for family but it was very small
in comparison to the all-encompassing dark anger I carried. It did help, I know
that sounds bizarre but it’s true. I was every bit the brain washed beaten
wife. After I left I would hear those old lies and putdowns lurking like miasma
in my mind; “I had torn us apart, I was a failure, would he be okay? Who would
take care of him? I had failed as a wife and mother. It was all my fault, I should’ve
been better.” These and more would creep
like a thief in the night into my mind and my nightmares. When I was working with my family to get moved
out of the house while he did a short stink it jail for that last beating, I
had 3 boxes of his clothes and I worried over it to my brother;
“Who
will take his stuff to him? I don’t know what to do Mikey, I don’t want to do it...I’m
scared of what he’ll do when he sees me.” Mike put his hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eye
and said “Who F***ing cares?! You don’t
owe him a damn thing, a single thought Rachie! Every time you worry or your
doubt yourself I want you to think back to all the times he’s hurt you and the
boys. Think back to when he nearly blinded you, fractured your face and you
walked around with a blood-soaked eye for 5 weeks. Screw him and being cold! Don’t you think on
it for one minute. Every time you start to feel this way, think back to all of
it and the lies he damned you to say to protect him.”
It worked. Every time those old
emotions, doubts and negative self-talk resurfaced I pushed it back by remembering
and letting my anger burn away the brainwashing. Anger can have a positive
purpose but it doesn’t give you that long term peace and positivity. It’s a quick
burn, like gasoline, just waiting to ignite in an instant. These days the best
way I can describe my anger is like magma beneath the surface; the outer layers
have cooled and hardened and only the deep layers still glow. I’m slowly
cooling down to my core and this feels far better than the mini blonde hulk I
felt like through that first year. She was exhausting! You’ve heard this before
in life; the only person who feels your hate and anger is yourself. I can
personally attest that if it was otherwise, my ex would’ve been one of those
case of spontaneous human combustion. Yes, I really did visualize that at times
but it never worked. (Dang it!) ^_^ The jokes aside, it’s an exercise you have to
build into a habit. When anger washes over you, you let it but not give it
purchase. The last 6 months Dino has started processing his trauma (I didn’t
see it coming quite so fast) and he talks about it...Those moments I must keep
my emotions fluid and just as the anger at my ex’s crimes I never knew about
come I push it aside. Dino needs my acceptance, love and support and I need it
too. Anger only has purchase and wears you down when you let it so in moments
of anger I repeat out loud; “I’m strong. I’m safe. I’m not broken and I have
greatness within me.”
Positive self-talk out loud is very
powerful, give it a try. Stay tuned for rest of my 13 reasons. ^_^
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