Quicksand

We’ve all been through social and emotional quicksand but have we really stopped and thought about that?

In the last 2 years and particularly the last 6 months I’ve come into many pits of quicksand without realizing what I had done to get there. This has happened with dating as well as friendships.

I’ve been so excited to make more friends here that I ignored some of my boundaries because I didn’t even consider friendship boundaries and romantic boundaries as the same. I differentiated something that you can’t, it’s a social/emotional boundary regardless of who that person is.

This is one of the problems I’ve had to work on over and over in the midst of life as a single parent who’s schedule really doesn’t give me much time and energy to cultivate relationships.

I’ve changed in how I interact with people. I’m far more assertive and direct then I ever use to be. It can throw some folks off which is entertaining but then it means I walk around with a constant hyperactive filter on my thoughts and words in day to day life. Why is that you may ask; well after going through everything in my marriage I walked on eggshells for years so I developed a heightened ability to read body language, expressions and other ques. Dino learned this skill as well. It means I notice things about people they don’t realize is obvious to me for example; I was on a date once and I made silly jokes to put him at ease because he seemed so nervous. I commented that I wouldn’t bite and he was very surprised/distressed that I had noticed his anxiety. That’s one example of hundreds I could give.

The point is life just bugs you sometimes and that’s okay. The hardest part is constantly flexing that psychological muscle and telling yourself over and over; “I can’t control them, I can only control me”. I strive to remember to give myself a break too because I’ve knowingly let my boundaries slip because I’ve been so impatient at times.

About 4 months ago I let some of the loneliness get to me and I jumped before I looked. It's not fun trying to rein those violations in because some people who don’t use similar boundaries or distance take it as mean, rude, discrimination or rejection. That is a veiled red flag I had to really think about because as I have had to take a step back in some of my relationships to put them back where they need to be considering the amount of time and energy these people have put in...they have been angry, resentful, dramatic, withdrawn and taken my boundaries as a personal attack.

Relationships like that are very easy for me to walk away because after my marriage I don’t need anymore emotional blackmail used against me but it’s everywhere. There are many instances where we don’t have a choice but to deal with these people and the best method is to stay professional and pleasant knowing that as long as you stay true to yourself, it doesn't matter what other people think.

The quicksand has been been a constant factor though. I also was getting to know a nice guy romantically. My latest mistake in this area snuck up on me..I recognized features and tendencies that reminded me of someone else and that right there should've stopped me flat.

You can’t recreate the past no matter how good your intentions or the desired relationship was. It’s just not possible. Nostalgia is almost dangerous because you look back on a time in your life when maybe you weren’t a better person but you were happier and you focus on those positive feelings without really thinking about all the factors of that time.

That’s what I tried to do and I ignored the differences and my boundaries because I was excited at the prospect of having a relationship like that again. I didn’t recreate anything, instead thanks to my choice to disregard my boundaries and lessons I ended up in a place I didn’t want to be with someone I didn’t really know. This dragged out longer than it should've and I had to accept my responsibility for it. That’s life right there, seeing when you’ve made a mistake, own up to it then you work to fix it and moving on.