So parenting can be challenging! We always want to save our kids from the pain and hardships from this life but in all honesty, we can’t. They have to learn and grow on their own, after all. We’re not making carbon copies of ourselves but guiding and helping them as they grow into who they are, teaching them the values of being a good person and that they can accomplish their goals in life.
Watching and supporting the boys has been multifaceted, at times it’s so hard watching them struggle it makes my heart bleed then at other times I see how loving and wonderful they really are and my chest swells with pride and love.
They first started as what I can only describe as little tarzans. They were non-verbal until the end of 2015 spring. My oldest was 4, my youngest was 2 by this point and we had been through quite a bit. The boys saw and heard more than I ever realized. They were diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, Global Developmental Delay, Speech Delay, and ASD in the summer of 2015.
They would scream, throw toys, hit, pinch, bite, spit, throw themselves to the floor, hit themselves, headbutt, etc. They really didn’t play with their toys, they would more or less hit stuff together or throw toys as their play. They never played with each-other and fought constantly. The best way to describe it in terms you can picture is that in an average day, if they only threw, hit, kicked, headbutted, punched or slapped me 15 times in a day via tantrums..that was a GOOD day.
I remember one of the first turning points for them was after I had started my oldest with services to help him work through his PTSD. He has what I can only describe as miracle workers: Habilitative INterventionists and Habilitative Supports that will take him out into the community and work on self regulation, coping mechanisms, support and supervision as he learns and grows. My dad once asked me what exactly they do and my response was: They help civilize them! Or rather, everything to ensure he can grow and develop in a healthy way. I also signed him up for counseling. I was ecstatic to find a counselor that would take a nonverbal child, Chad Hansen, is a god send for us.
The road of healing progressed slowly. The boys were wary, it’s like subconsciously we all waited….thinking that the peace was short lived but as weeks turned into months we all breathed a little easier then we started to change.
There were times when my youngest would pick up a crayon, chalk or pen then walk towards the table or a wall and my oldest would literally freak out and tackle him to the floor. The first time I saw this I cried as I rushed to separate them. I couldn’t understand what my ex would have done to inspire such fear. After reading online and talking to his staff and counselor, we all took great pains to teach him that drawing, art and everything was okay and he wouldn’t be punished. I would catch him before he got to his brother and hug him repeating over and over “It’s okay for you and your brother to draw. I promise no matter what happens mama will always love you. It’s okay, breathe honey” I lost count how many times I repeated this mantra and many others like it in our lives but it worked. I always have had to be very conscious of how the boys view my reactions to everything and it’s helped me become a better example and show them that I love them and they are safe.
He still had many issues with self regulating his anger. When he would rage and scream we had to move ourselves away from him and let him calm on his own or put him in his room where he was safe but couldn’t get to me or other caregivers. Eventually we incorporated “blowing out his candles” where his counselor, myself or his staff would hold our hands up and have him blow out his candles. It took quite a long time but eventually he started to breathe through his frustration and I always did this myself when I would get frustrated. I made a point of saying, “mama is going to blow out her candles, I am upset” so they would both see that breathing was a better alternative and that I didn’t expect them to do anything I wouldn’t do by example.
Once they got the beginning of their words it was just amazing, after years of never having him talk to me he was trying to argue, debate, tell us about his dragons, tell me about his day. There are times I almost forget how it all started because of the growth and accomplishments my boys have made. My youngest still has his own dialogue to a point. He deletes the of of the word constants but he’s making great progress. My oldest now speaks from 2 up to 6 sentences to me. He loves to debate why he shouldn’t go into timeout or why he should get 2 cookies instead of one.
They play together, make up stories, gang up against mom in wrestling but the biggest thread in our lives now is happy. Their smiles changed as much as their behaviours. They’re “normalizing” and fighting like siblings do rather than treating each other with indifference and violence. Now they bicker over who won the race..I know to some this may not be huge but after the last 4 years of our lives...these are some of the best times. They laugh, cry, whine, sing, sneak, play, draw and talk everyday now. Our weeks are full of my school schedule or work, their speech and occupational therapies, counseling, HI & HS services and I’m planning on horse therapy this summer because no matter how crazy and busy it keeps me it’s all worth it because they are changing and learning more and more everyday.
So no matter how much you may feel overwhelmed by the stresses of everyday life always remember to do your best everyday and give yourself slack. Parenting isn’t easy and we all have our bad moments but as long as we move forward and reinforce the positive with love understanding and patience. We can do it, 1 step at a time because that step turns into 1 day then a week, a year then 2 years then we look back and look with awe as we realize we did it and we can keep doing it. One step at a time. :)
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