Labels

Labels are interesting. When the boys were first diagnosed I struggled a great deal. Many parents struggle with a diagnosis because they put so much stock in that label. They can be detrimental to some and I went through that too. At first I didn’t want to face that when I was still married…… “ no they’re, no they’re not….they’re fine.. they’re fine they just need more time” but then I got them out and safe and they were still not neuro-typical.

            (I will also address my boys as Dino for my oldest and Zombie for my youngest as it’s their favorite things on the planet.)

            Dino was diagnosed first in spring of 2015 and I was desperate by that point then Zombie was diagnosed after he turned 3 in the fall of 2015 I was ready because I had just gone through all of this with Dino.

            I often felt very overwhelmed because I had never been a mom before let alone how did I help them? I was very hard on myself in the beginning; “What do I do? I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m not equipped to deal with this. I need help! I’m not good at this, this is crazy this is insane, I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’ve ruined them…This is all my fault. I should’ve gotten them away sooner….I’m a horrible mother. I’m a failure “

            I questioned every decision I had ever made. I thought I was a horrible parent. I listened to and put those same judgements many others put on me and I beat myself up over it for a long time.

            Then once they had been diagnosed and I was on the path of getting them the services they needed. That path was a god send and saved my sanity.  Everything changed over time. All of a sudden when you have a label on what is going on, everything doesn’t necessary get easier but then you find yourself in this amazing support system and services. When I felt like I was thrashing around trying not to drown in a giant sea storm holding on to a piece of wood, a little piece that barely kept your face above water, like maybe a 2x4. I was so grateful, all of a sudden the boys had Habilitative Interventionists, Habilitative Supports, Speech and Occupational therapy. They not only had seen these types of behaviors before but they KNEW what to do!!! They had advice, strategies, communicative boards and pic boards, etc.  It was AWESOME and at a time when I was just in a haze, I never would’ve thought of half of it even if I had sat down and read book after book after book. In the current state I was in, that wasn’t going to happen.

(pics from 2014 summer before I left)

            It was a HUGE turning point then I got them into counseling and the changes continued. It’s crazy, I even have to remind myself of what it was like back then. They’re so full of life and joy! I don’t know how else to make an impact: my boys barely smiled, it was really just a grimace. It was the same “smile” I had when I was trying to look happy in my marriage. After they had been away and safe they started to smile more and more. Now their smiles are near to bursting with impish, crazy joy. I’m so proud of their resiliency in all this. To see them really smile makes my heart just swell even when we have funky days.

(2016 pics) :)

            The funky days are when labels can blur for us. I admit this freely, I use the labels despite  believing the boys can overcome and adapt the hardships they have. I fully intend to teach them how to cope with their world so they can go to college and be funny and amazing engineers. Having that said, our day to day lives can get hectic and I get stressed out beyond reason and frustrated with the boys but on a larger whole; other people.

            To see them on the street you’d never think my boys have been through any of it. There’s no scarring, no obvious physical ques or ticks, no giant permanent marks and for that I’m grateful. The few physical scars I have are enough but going through our day to day lives gets hard for me and I fine myself internally sighing a great deal.

            I walk with other special needs parents on a path that is judged every step. The longer I have been at this the more I have developed the “tune out” muscle to the judgmental stares, comments, and deliberate puts downs in public. I have listened to people tell me how I don’t know what I’m doing and how I should be parenting my children. I’m an irresponsible parent or a dictator. I have heard many times that all they need is a good swat or some such archaic ideal and that would cure my kids. It all hurts and I grit my teeth because I don’t owe these people anything.

            They don’t deserve our story and here in lies the label dilemma, I get so tired of the many ideals and perceptions thrust upon me that I use the words Autism Spectrum Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder and PTSD like a shield because within seconds those judgements don’t disappear as much as change into a look of pity I’ve come to loathe as much as their judgments. This is a dilemma I have every day; when we go to the store, park, mall, event or even the hiking trail you’ve thought you timed well so no one would be out there….  -_-

            It was easy in the beginning to become more isolating and independent so I didn’t have to constantly apologize when Dino walked into someone or bark word of warning about personal boundaries to Zombie who will hug everyone especially the people who don’t want them. It’s not fair to the boys to try and avoid these places because we all have to learn how to cope and they need my example in those times. This is the part of parenting I didn’t know would weigh so heavy. The responsibility to not only teach them and guide them but also be the example in actions of everything I say. So we walk with our heads high and I take them to different events and things because it’s not fair to deprive them to save my own personal feelings or because other adults who should be able to handle it with grace fail to do so and overtime my “tune out muscle” has gotten stronger.

            I’ve taken Dino to the Color Run and the Insane Inflatable 5k the last 2 years because I want them to not only have everyday experiences but I want to teach them that they can do it. Zombie will be joining us this year if I can convince my brother to come because until they think it’s hilarious to split directions and in a large crowd that gets a little complicated.  >_<

            It was huge to take them to so many fun things the last 2 years and considering where it started you have to admit, it’s pretty cool.

            I’ve learned so much in the last 6 years and I will continue to learn as the boys move to each new milestone. I am grateful to my kids because they saved me. I’ve always heard in the last 2 years that I saved my kids but I disagree.

            Yes, I got them out and away but what people don’t understand is that when you’re stuck in the survival mode. You’re not thinking clearly and you’re just doing the best you can in a horrid situation after you’ve been broken down psychologically and emotionally so much that the normal standards to others are luxuries you haven’t known in years. I came home in October of 2014 to find my ex half choking/half shaking Dino. I walked in the door at 12am just getting off work to hear my son screaming. I had never heard him make that sound before…I dropped my stuff and ran to his room and just gaped when I found my ex over him on bent knees shaking him and yelling at him “why won’t you talk”. Dino was 3 and half years old…That moment seemed like an eternity then I got him off Dino and shoved him out of the room. I sat against the door with Dino in my arms, crying as I comforted my son and calming him down. So many things went through my mind that night but the key point was “Enough, I’m done.” That night I broke the cycle and I took the kids and left.

            It was that catalyst that has sparked an ambition and determination in me that has changed me forever. The catalyst of refusing to let my kids go through that was a turning point for the rest of my life and theirs. My boys saved me that night because had that not happened, I can’t honestly predict if I would’ve ever left or gone through such an extensive rebirth. I go through great pains to never use the labels in front of the boys or I cover their ears because the point in all this is: I won’t ever let the boys think of themselves as a label because they are unique, amazing and resilient little men I love. I have learned to look at the world and my own body with greater respect and wonder. It has given me a unique perspective that I get to share with other parents of special needs because we’ve had to adapt and grow along with our kids.  They have taught me lessons about myself I didn’t know I needed and I will always be proud of all they have accomplished and all that they will do in the future.

Patience and Parenting

So parenting can be challenging! We always want to save our kids from the pain and hardships from this life but in all honesty, we can’t. They have to learn and grow on their own, after all.  We’re not making carbon copies of ourselves but guiding and helping them as they grow into who they are, teaching them the values of being a good person  and that they can accomplish their goals in life.

Watching and supporting the boys has been multifaceted, at times it’s so hard watching them struggle it makes my heart bleed then at other times I see how loving and wonderful they really are and my chest swells with pride and love.

They first started as what I can only describe as little tarzans. They were non-verbal until the end of 2015 spring. My oldest was 4, my youngest was 2 by this point and we had been through quite a bit. The boys saw and heard more than I ever realized.  They were diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety, Sensory Processing Disorder, Global Developmental Delay, Speech Delay, and ASD in the summer of 2015.

They would scream, throw toys, hit, pinch, bite, spit, throw themselves to the floor, hit themselves, headbutt, etc. They really didn’t play with their toys, they would more or less hit stuff together or throw toys as their play. They never played with each-other and fought constantly. The best way to describe it in terms you can picture is that in an average day, if they only threw, hit, kicked, headbutted, punched or slapped me 15 times in a day via tantrums..that was a GOOD day.

I remember one of the first turning points for them was after I had started my oldest with services to help him work through his PTSD. He has what I can only describe as miracle workers: Habilitative INterventionists and Habilitative Supports that will take him out into the community and work on self regulation, coping mechanisms, support and supervision as he learns and grows. My dad once asked me what exactly they do and my response was: They help civilize them! Or rather, everything to ensure he can grow and develop in a healthy way. I also signed him up for counseling. I was ecstatic to find a counselor that would take a nonverbal child, Chad Hansen, is a god send for us.

The road of healing progressed slowly. The boys were wary, it’s like subconsciously we all waited….thinking that the peace was short lived but as weeks turned into months we all breathed a little easier then we started to change.

There were times when my youngest would pick up a crayon, chalk or pen then walk towards the table or a wall and my oldest would literally freak out and tackle him to the floor. The first time I saw this I cried as I rushed to separate them.  I couldn’t understand what my ex would have done to inspire such fear.  After reading online and talking to his staff and counselor, we all took great pains to teach him that drawing, art and everything was okay and he wouldn’t be punished. I would catch him before he got to his brother and hug him repeating over and over “It’s okay for you and your brother to draw. I promise no matter what happens mama will always love you. It’s okay, breathe honey” I lost count how many times I repeated this mantra and many others like it in our lives but it worked. I always have had to be very conscious of how the boys view my reactions to everything and it’s helped me become a better example and show them that I love them and they are safe.

He still had many issues with self regulating his anger. When he would rage and scream we had to move ourselves away from him and let him calm on his own or put him in his room where he was safe but couldn’t get to me or other caregivers. Eventually we incorporated “blowing out his candles” where his counselor, myself or his staff would hold our hands up and have him blow out his candles. It took quite a long time but eventually he started to breathe through his frustration and I always did this myself when I would get frustrated. I made a point of saying, “mama is going to blow out her candles, I am upset” so they would both see that breathing was a better alternative and that I didn’t expect them to do anything I wouldn’t do by example.

Once they got the beginning of their words it was just amazing, after years of never having him talk to me he was trying to argue, debate, tell us about his dragons, tell me about his day. There are times I almost forget how it all started because of the growth and accomplishments my boys have made. My youngest still has his own dialogue to a point. He deletes the of of the word constants but he’s making great progress. My oldest now speaks from 2 up to 6 sentences to me. He loves to debate why he shouldn’t go into timeout or why he should get 2 cookies instead of one.

They play together, make up stories, gang up against mom in wrestling but the biggest thread in our lives now is happy. Their smiles changed as much as their behaviours. They’re “normalizing” and fighting like siblings do rather than treating each other with indifference and violence. Now they bicker over who won the race..I know to some this may not be huge but after the last 4 years of our lives...these are some of the best times. They laugh, cry, whine, sing, sneak, play, draw and talk everyday now. Our weeks are full of my school schedule or work, their speech and occupational therapies, counseling, HI & HS services and I’m planning on horse therapy this summer because no matter how crazy and busy it keeps me it’s all worth it because they are changing and learning more and more everyday.

So no matter how much you may feel overwhelmed by the stresses of everyday life always remember to do your best everyday and give yourself slack. Parenting isn’t easy and we all have our bad moments but as long as we move forward and reinforce the positive with love understanding and patience. We can do it, 1 step at a time because that step turns into 1 day then a week, a year then 2 years then we look back and look with awe as we realize we did it and we can keep doing it. One step at a time. :)

Do we live in fear or strength?

So I’m writing to you all tonight about a new development: guarding ourselves and making decisions, we either live with strength or we live in fear. It’s hard to always recognize when we start living in either spectrum, what’s the difference?

            “Guarding ourselves in fear keeps us trapped in fear, it traps us in the past” – Chad Hanson. As I’m walking thru life I find myself striving to remember this. It’s easy for me to not notice when I drift back into the victim mindset. “Why is this happening? What’s going on? I’m scared he’ll hurt me, I don’t want to let anyone in”” They’re judging me” “What do they think?? They think I’m a bad mother” Fear allows an old mindset I always have to push away. Living in fear makes you question things for the wrong reasons, it keeps you from thinking. It paralyzes your reason. It traps you in the past reliving those mistakes over and over in a vicious and toxic cycle. We are not living life when we are afraid. We’re using those boundaries as a shield against the world. When you live in that mindset you seek validation for that fear. If we’re afraid of a relationship, we can easily deflect with breaking our boundaries and using physical contact as a way to validate and distract ourselves. When you’re kissing someone you’re living in the moment and not listening to the doubts and fears in your mind but they will come knocking later, they always do.

As I’ve come into this past year I have made huge strides but remembering to always live in strength takes a daily habit loop I have to instill. As I’ve started dating and I find myself in the situations where I am opening myself up and being vulnerable that’s where this has been a block for me. I had to sit down and ask myself:

Am I the same person I was when I was 25 and married the wrong man? No I am not. The woman I am today has pushed, climbed and worked through a road of healing that has transformed who I am. Could who I am today ever fall for someone like my ex-husband before all of the abuse had started? No, because I have grown, my expectations are where they always should have been. I have learned to love myself and see the world in a new and fantastic way. We have to always work on focusing on the positive and pull from strength.

When you feel that strength you ask yourself the questions for the right reason. “Who is this person? What type of person is this? Does he/she have values? Does he/she respect themselves?” “Does he/she respect my boundaries and my decisions?” We should guard ourselves and provide boundaries because we’re all pretty awesome people and utilizing these tools the right way gives us the satisfaction of knowing that when we do progress in a relationship and let that person past those boundaries it’s because they recognize us for who we are as a person, they truly care about who we are. We must always demand respect from ourselves and once we do, we will always demand and receive it from others.

Living in strength is truly living. It frees us from doubt, toxic and unhealthy thoughts of the past. The past is just the past after-all, learn from it and move forward but don’t let it drag you down. You deserve better than that. We deserve to live life, not watch it pass us by.  

Don't let it take you, Choose how you will live.

At the start of Color Run 2016

             Little Girl, looking for love, seeking it in all the wrong places... She struggled to love herself. She made so many mistakes, the biggest one was forgetting to love herself before she tried to love others. She starts to cut to numb the pain. To numb the hurt of the world away. She turned 24 then she promised herself she wouldn’t ever cut again.

She met a prince or so it seemed, the one to love the pain away. She was so excited; she did not see the evil lurking underneath. She had 2 little boys, she loved with her whole heart. She renewed that old promise. She would never be a mom that cuts. Darkness seethes and coils around the once bright spark. Cruelty destroys hope

By 28, she has a family only this world wasn’t what she thought it would be. One night, when she was so sad and hopeless from all the pain he brings on her. The Dark prince took her hand and put in it, a knife. He said, if you’re so sad then just end it tonight. She held the knife in her hand and cried fresh tears from old wounds. How could her Prince tell her to kill herself? Was she so unworthy? She wavered thinking old thoughts of dark and gloom, wondering if she would really be missed until those little faces swam before her mind. She remembered her promise, she put the knife down. She would never be a mom that cuts. She would never leave them to face the world alone.

So I wanted to touch base on a different view today because I don’t want people to misunderstand. I’m not naturally that bubbly, happy-go-lucky person. I’m a Scorpio female who likes to brood, etc. I wasn’t a cheerleader in high school. I experienced trauma I wouldn’t wish on anyone but I came out a better person on the other side. I changed into the optimistic, happy-go-lucky person I am today.

This process is complicated!

So firstly, as I’m sure you noticed with my short story. I know exactly what the bleak/dark abyss of depression feels like. One of my favorite rap artists right now, courtesy of my counselor, is NF. His song Paralyzed; pretty much encompasses a lot of the hurt and numb feelings I felt for a long, long time. Another song that resonates with me is Smile Empty Souls "With this Knife".
There is so much that happened to me emotionally that once I had gone through this. I was never going to be the same. I was dissociated. The only way I really survived all of that was through compartmentalizing myself and severing my emotions.

I’ve touched on this before but I want to connect to you on a deeper level. I have walked a dark path for many years. I circled the black abyss of denying self-love and depression for years. For the rest of you man...if you’ve never walked that path then I’m happy for you, it’s not fun. For those of you that know what I’m talking about; that bleak emptiness you face inside yourself and you make the decisions to keep carrying on and pushing even though you don’t see an end. That path…. that crawl is hard. Don’t Give Up!!!

I have made that journey and dragged myself through the stickiest, most disgusting emotional and psychological sludge to get to where I am today. I’m very surprised, pleasantly so to find myself on the other side of it now. 2 years ago, I was so jaded and angry that the only thing I felt was guilt, hate, and sadness, the last thing on my mind was trusting anyone let alone dating. It’s nice to know I’m not that person anymore.

The last little bit of me that my ex-husband hadn’t, completely broken, I buried deep, deep, deep down. After living years burying that last bit of my pride and self-love, I had forgotten how to find it once I didn’t need to bury it anymore. Honestly, the only time I felt emotion that last 2 and half years of my marriage was for my kids, my brother, my family. The rest of the time, I was paralyzed. I was numb. I was disgusted with myself, I hated myself and my ex-husband, I loathed his touch and yet I couldn’t see the answer staring me in the face yet, Leave. The kind and pretty words he would use during the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse*, I learned to associate with impending pain. I walked on eggshells every day for years. I worked 40 to 60 hour weeks though so I had to deal with people. I had to blend in to normal society.

Once it was all over and done, so many people who knew me were amazed to find out that I had filed a restraining order, that I had stayed in safe housing to get away and that I have lived years on end in physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, psychological harassment and abuse. Not one moment when I was around him did he ever truly leave me alone. The constant toxic blather of abuse streaming out of his mouth eventually wore me down to the point I had started to believe what he said about me because after you hear something non-stop...every day…for months straight……even the best of us breakdown.

How did outsiders not see it? Well, I’m sure some did. I remember; I had to think to myself “oh right, smile they told a joke.” I had to remind myself the correct facial expressions for normal human contact. I got really good at it though and you know why? It’s a weird phenomenon that after being around a narcissist/sociopath and having him controlling every aspect of my life. I had learned how to dissociate and feel apathetic towards the world. I had become a good liar because; hey, I had been lying to myself about my abuse for a while so it was easy to lie to the world about what was happening. It wasn’t healthy. I walked around my world dead inside to everything, not all of the time but most of the time.

If you had come to me last year and said; “Rachel! You can’t be numb!” I would’ve replied “No you’re wrong. Numb I can function; Numb I can handle. I can make this work!”

But I couldn’t stay numb...

In the beginning of freedom, I recognized that how I felt wasn’t normal and I half-heartedly tried to find a counselor but I never found one. I had found one for my oldest son because I knew he needed to heal. One of the last nights; I found my ex-husband half choking, half shaking him. He was 3 ½ years old. I knew I needed a pro to help him and dang, I found a great one. J This same counselor asked me one day how it was going, I broke down and told him how I couldn’t find anyone with experience in my kind of trauma, I didn’t want to be a guinea pig. He told me to come see him, to talk to him and it was perfect because he knew how to help families and everything I told him would help him understand and get through to my son about his trauma.

I’ll never call it easy, I’ll tell you the journey and the positive end result is worth it. I know there is a stigma about counseling. I had it myself but without our counselor. My son and I wouldn’t be this far into healing as we are now.

I went through homework assignment after homework assignment, week after week. It took pretty much a whole year and half of dedication. There were days I walked into his office and said “man, this sucks. I did your homework but I hated it!” ---But I still did it! That’s the difference between a good experience in counseling and a bad one. I was determined to find those feelings and un-paralyze myself. No matter how hard it was, he helped me remind myself: “Eventually I’ll get to the top of this mountain and it will be a great view. I’m going to keep at this, I can do this!” There were still mistakes along the climb, seriously…I made plenty but look at where I am now. I’m finally on the other side. He had me paint a ceramic that represented my marriage (this should’ve only taken me 2 months and I dragged it out to 6 >_<) After it was done, I smashed that thing to powder. Seriously, if one piece was as big as my pinky nail, I took up the hammer again. J If you’re expecting the end of that stage to be like a movie, it’s not. Life isn’t like a movie. I did feel empowered and victorious but it wasn’t this “light shining down on you Sword in the Stone type moment” that I had imagined. It was a calm acceptance; I accepted the past for what it was and that it would never change. I have grown and I have continued healing, I will continue to make the choice to heal every day. The best analogy I have is;

I was bleeding inside, all of those emotional wounds were oozing, grotesque holes that I constantly had to staple, clean and bandage. Finally, after all of this time cleaning those wounds, they’re finally scarring.

It’s still a work in progress, healing always is. It’s still easy for me to feel that old numb feeling and every day I tell myself that I will do better than I did yesterday. I will work to let myself feel. The hard part is that once you have broken down that hard shell, you still have to use boundaries. People need to earn trust and respect. They should never be given freely, those are precious and words alone are not enough to earn them. Actions speak volumes! I’m so much farther down the road then I ever imagined I would be. I will always be working to master this. 2 weeks ago, I received my admissions letter from a nursing program for my Bachelor of Science in Nursing and we just passed my 2-year anniversary of freedom, yes I did several happy dances. J I still have a life to live and journey to experience. You can heal yourself from emotional paralysis, don’t ever give up. If I hadn’t had my counselor, I would’ve never been this far into healing. I can’t image doing it alone, you need that guidance and outsider perspective. Bring your A game and do the work. The mountain is worth the climb, now start climbing to the top.

Now I can look back with clarity, patience, understanding and responsibility. Now, I am at peace and that is worth its weight in gold.

   Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline

Support, resources and advice for your safety

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

·         http://www.domesticviolence.org

Eureka!

You’ll never guess.. I do believe I did it!

 It has taken me years and honestly going through this whole healing process...I finally found myself and the love for myself I should’ve had from the beginning. So a brief glimpse into my past. When I was younger, my parents traveled a lot and then they land blasted us in Weiser freaking Idaho. Needless to say my rose covered glasses view of the world evaporated and I saw just how dark and mean the world can get in an instant. I had never dealt with the “small town” mindset until I moved to Idaho.. Little did I know just how throughout my lesson would be. I’ve got nothing against small towns but that narrow mean, perspective some people have is just downright unhealthy bordering on toxic. Really, that was hard for me, it was right at puberty so a small girl, not even 11. I was bullied, belittled, emotional and psychologically tortured for about 4 years before we moved to Utah. I struggled with that for a long time. I was forever obsessed with fitting that cosmopolitan image mindset, keeping my weight down no matter what. Seriously, lots and lots of diet pills, juice fasts for 3 to 4 weeks, etc.

            Anyway!

I came to the realization and to put this in perspective I will reference the “Big Bang Theory” here. I never realized I was a “penny”. I was that nerdy chick in high-school; hacky sac at midnight talking about games or the lasertag match we just finished. I loved my hoodies, my skater shoes, my buckle jeans, my platforms because I hadn’t accepted 5’2” was really just fun size yet, I liked what I wore and it was random. I never realized that all of my nerdy friends, the D&D nights, lasertag, LAN nights, and all of those good times with friends that I, thankfully, still have today. It was okay that I wasn’t that double zero.. I was still beautiful, loyal, caring and accepting.  I never saw myself from the outside. It took a marriage from the “Black Sarlacc Pit” for me to wake up. Yes! She did just reference Star Wars because 100 years of slow digestion is the best metaphor I can make for my marriage. :)

           

That time in the Sarlacc’s digestive system doesn’t matter now. So many of us bind ourselves with these rules and regulations on what we should be/act/look that we never give ourselves enough slack. Other people can be awful, yes that’s true, but by far I know I was the worse to myself. No one could even compete with how cruel I was to myself. A couple months ago, I was working through something and I was struggling. I told my counselor; “It hurt to hear some of my favorite songs such as Red Jumpsuits Apparatus: My Guardian Angel and I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz! I don’t want to listen to them because they remind me of the pain.” Then he said “Why Rachel? Why should they hurt?” He gave me a new way to look at them and it quickly caught a slow fire inside me. He put on My Guardian Angel and we listened to it. Then for the 2^nd time we listened to it, he told me to listen to this song from another perspective; the perspective of who I am now, the strong, independent healing woman singing to the hurt, bleeding woman/girl I use to be.

           

Honestly, it was the beginning of this huge enlightenment. I tried it and he was right. The perspective shifts a bit depending on the song. All of a sudden I realized yes, I can take this a different way and change how I react once again. Now when I hear a song I enjoy, I shift my perspective and it bolsters my hope and positive attitude. I’m not that angry bleeding person from last year anymore. I love and accept who I am and what I’m about. The excess weight I want to lose; that will go now that I have a good nutrition and exercise lifestyle. I am active and I finally let all those horrid rules drop away. I just want to be healthy. Now, I’m so much happier. I know who I am. I have come through some horrid experiences I wouldn’t wish on anyone but you know what? On the other side of it all, I’m a better person. I’m pretty damn cool. So what that I have some extra pounds, those will go but what you can’t just earn overnight is the personality and the mindset that I’ve grown. It’s so freeing, listening to my favorite songs and find them inspirational rather than getting sad. I don’t get sad anymore. I look at everyday as something else, something new, something positive and no matter what. As long as I hold in my heart; “that you know what, today was okay. I did the best I could but I will treat tomorrow better”. My sister gave me a great quote;

            

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday. “

            John Wayne

Changes...

Wow...it’s so hard sometimes. Change is a part of who we are. Change is evolution, it's growth and experience but damn it's hard. In my marriage change usually meant some version of pain was coming. It's been a long road to walk, learning that change isn't something to be abhorred. It's necessary, we can't stay stagnant. Stagnation is like sinking lower and lower in a single pit, never climbing/stepping out of a simple pot hole that erodes over time. No, we can't stay stagnant. Sometimes all you can do is just breathe, push all the fears and negative emotions to the side and just breathe. I had to do that this morning. It's very hard for me to resist change. Life is about moving forward but it’s okay to be sad, you just can't stay there. Life is about the good and the bad. The pleasures and the pain. You can't appreciate one without the other. I admit, I'm sad. My son is losing a staff that has been with us for 2 years. She was the first person I ever trusted with him after I left my marriage. She's been a part of this journey, she's been so much more than his HI, she's been my friend, an example of the type of person I hope to be in a few years. I will always remember what we learned and went through together. She was right there with me when my son started showing signs of physical and sexual trauma from my ex. She's helped him learn and grow and progress such much in just 2 years it's staggering. We will miss her. 

Experiments

So today is a catch up because quite a few things piled up and I haven’t written lately. Stress! Holy Cow, we’re all stressed out which is in turn shortening our tetramers aging us and causing more unseen damage but that’s a piece for another time.

Sometimes it feels like I’m in a hurricane, stubbornly walking into it; my school schedule, the boys different school schedules, school meetings, speech and occupational therapies, counseling, and now we get to add medical appointments thanks to my car apparently being “hard to see”. The summer just flew by and fall semester hit me between the eyes.

Honestly though, a 92’ white Ford Taurus is hard to see?

So I hope you had a good summer and I for one am ready for fall. Now let’s talk about the experiment I had over the summer. It was “introspective homework” experiment to weigh and measure where I am emotionally, psychologically, etc. In other words, dating, (que Bethoven’s 5th Symphony notes)

I have to say it’s a time investment. That’s the most neutral observation I’m walking away with. I took an experimental month and I put myself out there to see what the singles world is like now…Ewwww…iiick…ouch…those words fly to the tip of my tongue on this one.

The most important skill I utilized was “critical thinking” and analyzing, seeing past the smile or pretty words to see the person underneath for who they were and not what they wanted to show. I mean, I blocked at least 50 men in the first 3 days because good lord the standards have dropped for men and women alike though I’m going off the reports I’ve had from friends for the females out there. It’s very sad..

I had to filter out the endless amounts of plain ridiculous, disgusting, and egocentric men to look for the qualities I wanted. Earlier this year, I wrote out an actual list which is still on my closet door of the 50 positive personalities traits I want in a man right next to the list of Red Flag behaviors that you can spot in others which will save you from dealing with quite so many douchebags.

Despite the obstacles this was good for me. It helped me see where I am now and how far I have come. Two years ago, after I came out of the marriage from the black beyond, I was cynical, jaded, angry and I had still yet to truly work on my self-worth and respect. I am proud of the progress I have made. So many people build up the idea that they must be with someone to be happy, they can’t even conceive the notion of not always being in a relationship.

If I learned nothing else in my marriage I learned this, two halves DO NOT make a whole in relationships. That’s the bottom line. The door swings both ways on the concept that you must respect yourself before others will respect you. We don’t live in a world where that’s not the case. It’s hard to take the microscope on yourself to improve and revamp what you want to be but it is worth the effort you put in.

If you compared the past “dating” (highly generous term when applied to that time) I did after my divorce compared to now you wouldn’t believe the difference. I wanted to feel good, feel pretty, blah blah but I hadn’t done the work yet. Now, I feel the change through the hard work of counseling and working on myself. I know what I will and won’t have in life and I have every right to demand it. There’s no use trying to fit someone in a spot that they don’t match. So often, we want to make a relationship work that just never will. No matter how many times you whip the horse, if he’s tired, you’re not going anyway.

Now going through this process, I actually did find someone that was a good person. We dated for about 3 and half months but it turns out we are in different places in life though I’m actually very happy to  know I can open up emotionally and psychologically which are huge for me. My jaded, sarcastic and cynical cuteness is my security blanket. I don’t want to give them up without a fight but we must seek balance. The best way I can describe how it feels to strip my barriers down is like having one of those rubber band balls and attempting to pull 50 off at once. It’s possible but they snap back into place very quickly. All of the hard work over the last year and half have been stripping those old and frayed ones off to reveal a strong and capable person underneath the layers.

The biggest lesson I learned from all of this is boundaries. Boundaries are important because you need them for yourself and others. It's unhealthy to jump into the physical or emotional deep end of the pool without really seeing that person in the shallow end and working your way out. Do you need to hide who you are? No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that the only way you’ll see a good person of substance is through a gradual process of getting to know them. This “Netflix and chill” thing going around creates a false sense of intimacy, you’re playing house with this person. Do you really get to know them that way? No, you see so much more by social and public interactions. How do they treat people around them? The more time you spend with a person out in “spotlights” the more you will come to see true aspects of their personality. People hide who they are, we all do but without boundaries I married a narcissist and spent 5 years in hell. Is that a risk you want to take? I’m good, been there, done that and now I want something real, good and whole or nothing at all.